To remove blood stains from your conscience try frozen margaritas.
I think it’s interesting that cologne rhymes with alone.
I like birthdays because we celebrate life with cakes. It’s so cool. Sometimes when I see a baby, I’m like that much more cake in the world. But then when someone dies, I’m like the cake streak is over...
My policy is no stone throwing regardless of housing situation.
I think a lot of stuff I find funny is from day dreaming.
I have a jar at home, and I put pennies in it whenever I curse. The other day I spilled the jar. I owe it about $25.
There’s a store in my neighborhood called Futon World. I like that name, ‘Futon World.’ Makes me think of a magical place that gets less and less comfortable over time.
A lot of people don’t like bumper stickers. I don’t mind bumper stickers. To me a bumper sticker is a shortcut. It’s like a little sign that says ‘Hey, let’s never hang out.’
I am completely attracted to the idea of simplicity, or at least removing things that seem unnecessary when trying to get an idea out there.
I’m always excited to try something I haven’t done.
I was student council president in high school, and even in law school, I was vice-president of the student bar association.
THING TO TRY: If you are asked to describe a suspect to a police sketch artist, describe in precise detail, the features of the police sketch artist. This is one of the rare instances where two people can do one self-portrait.
I am the Walrus, but not the one you’re probably thinking of. I am the other Walrus, the one who is less the Walrus in the sense of legendary music and more the Walrus in the sense of his tendency to to lie around in places for too long.
I was making pancakes the other day and a fly flew into the kitchen. And that’s when I realized that a spatula is a lot like a fly swatter. And a crushed fly is a lot like a blueberry. And a roommate is a lot like a fly eater.
I love catching a snapshot of something that is just about to happen. Or maybe something that just happened, you know. But I like especially that just-before kind of feeling.
For example, I was a White House intern the summer before I dropped out of law school. Everybody knew about it. I’d come home and go to church and everybody would say, ‘Oh, my God. Demetri, you’re working at the White House.’
But long story short, I didn’t start doing stand-up because I wanted to have a TV show or be an actor or even wanted to write sketch comedy. I got into stand-up because I love stand-up.
When I was a kid, I always wanted to live in California because I liked skateboarding.
Nothing wise was ever printed upon an apron.
I went to law school. I found it interesting for the first three weeks.
100% of the people who give 110% do not understand math.