My grandfather always said, Don’t watch your money, watch your health. So one day while I was watching my health, someone stole my money. It was my grandfather.
America is the only country in the world where you can burn the flag but can’t tear the tag off the mattress.
Did you know that the Jews invented sushi? That’s right – two Jews bought a restaurant with no kitchen.
Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.
It is more profitable for your congressman to support the tobacco industry than your life.
A person who speaks good English in New York sounds like a foreigner.
Predictions are preposterous.
While I have the utmost respect for people who practice the Christian faith, the fact is, as everyone knows, I am as Jewish as a matzo ball or kosher salami.
Jews are the best dressers in the world. They buy the best clothes, the best homes, the best cars. The best of everything. The only thing is, they get it for less.
I am excited about getting back to what I do best and what my audience likes best, I am writing new jokes every day and soon Ill be telling them every night. Just me, one Jew talking and that’s it.
If an Englishman gets run down by a truck he apologizes to the truck.
A Jew never laughs without looking at his wife for approval.
I can’t pretend that I’m a great student of the art of comedy because anybody that becomes philosophical about humour doesn’t know what he’s talking about.
I have nothing but love in my heart and everything I say is just an instrument for laughs.
My comedy doesn’t come from any calculations and studies.
Would you put a pastrami in your mouth if you didn’t want to eat it?
I can’t predict the future and I don’t have respect for people who try to.
My material is as new as anything on the dinner table. What difference does it make if I’m 70 or if I’m 20? The audience knows they aren’t getting any old stories from me.
I don’t believe that anybody has come to a conclusion on why something is funny. It’s funny because it’s ridiculous and it’s ridiculous for different reasons at different times.
By these things examine thyself. By whose rules am I acting; in whose name; in whose strength; in whose glory? What faith, humility, self-denial, and love of God and to man have there been in all my actions?
I didn’t think it was fair to pretend to give of myself when I was so selfishly consumed with my own drives.