I thought I was raptured up into the air today; turns out, it was just my gas oven exploding.
It’s amazing where a joke might come from. I find a lot of humour just by metaphorically turning things upside down or literally like my wife’s cat.
I was sick of people making fun of my hair and so I cut it off and I’ve got much more attention than ever before. It was like when Mona Lisa was stolen from the Louvre in 1906 – three times more people came to see where it used to be.
Countries are making nuclear weapons like there is no tomorrow.
I’ll do anything for my wife, it’s turning out.
The other night, the president gave a speech. He said, “children are our most prescious natural resource”. I thought, “let’s hope it never comes to that”.
A friend of mine gave me a Philip Glass record. I listened to it for five hours before I realized it had a scratch on it.
The other day a woman came up to me and said, Didn’t I see you on television? I said, I don’t know. You can’t see out the other way.
Anger punishes the bearer’s heart. Who remains angry suffers most. For many, the search for perfection virtually guarantees it will be found, and disregarded in order to continue the search. Some mornings it just doesn’t seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps.
I picked up a hitch hiker. You’ve got to when you hit them.
I love Florida. I love the beach. I love the sound of the crashing surfers against the rocks.
I got a job at an amusement park. I like to make the rides more terrifying by throwing a couple of screws onto the seats.
I got a letter from the IRS. Apparently I owe them $800. So I sent them a letter back. I said, If you’ll remember, I fastened my return with a paper clip, which according to your very own latest government pentagon spending figures will more than make up for the difference.
I’m not as good a swimmer as I used to be – thanks to evolution.
I think of my body as a temple. Or at least a relatively well-managed Presbyterian youth center.
I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy.
I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don’t seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.
I’ve always suffered from a complete inability to sense who’s important.
Interviewers always used to ask me about my pageboy haircut, and it drove me nuts: it almost made me suspect that there was something strange about it. So I cut off my pageboy...
I asked the head musician if I could go onstage during the next break and he said sure. I got two laughs in twenty minutes, and walked out feeling more elated than I had ever felt in my entire life. The glory of that triumph contented me for two full years.
You should get married. When I was younger, I was into the fame and fortune, and now I realize that a loving wife and happy children – that’s life’s greatest consolation prize.