The only time I commit to conspiracy theories is when something way retarded happens. Like Lee Harvey Oswald acting alone.
Stand-up is still my favorite, but the podcast is a close second. It’s so fun, and it’s given me the oppor-tunity to have three-hour conversations with people I wouldn’t have otherwise been able to talk to. When I talked to Maynard Keenan from Tool, I almost couldn’t believe it was happening.
Any comic like myself owes everything he has to Lenny Bruce. He was the originator. The godfather of uncensored American stand-up is clearly Lenny Bruce.
So many times I’ve done a CD, and then the week after I record it, I’ve got this new tagline that’s killer. And it makes the whole bit better. It happens all the time. But that’s just the process of comedy.
I always try to look at conflicts from as many different angles as is humanly possible, and in a lot of ways there is no one answer.
If you are the greatest, why would you go around talking about it?
My company is called Talking Monkey, Inc. It’s because that’s what I think all people are: talking monkeys.
There’s a confidence and a mental toughness that comes from the very highest level of competition, whatever the sport is. Whether it’s boxing or wrestling, or whatever.
You could smell my ass from mars.
It’s impossible to measure the type of mental strength and determination that’s required to be an elite wrestler.
I want to make sure that everything that I’m creating, I’m creating it so other people get enjoyment out of it. And that’s the reward that you get for that.
In order to be truly great at something you have to give into a certain amount of madness.
People for the most part can smell lies, at least I thought that until I saw audiences applaud at Carlos Mencia.
If I could make the same amount of money doing standup it would be no contest. The problem is that if you do make that kind of money doing standup, it’s not in clubs, it’s in big auditoriums and large venues, and I really think something is lost when you do standup for a big crowd.
I’m a nightclub comic. That’s what I do. I work in the clubs uncensored because my mind is uncensored, and those are the thoughts that I have. I do the kind of comedy that I would enjoy seeing.
If I could, I would live in Houston, and I would encourage any comic starting out looking for a good place to develop to move there.
One of the great things about Houston is that they police themselves. It’s the way Boston was in the ’80s. No hacks or thieves are tolerated in the community, and that’s HUGE.
Houston people are way cool. They’re smart, they know how to have a good time, and they have the hottest chicks on the planet there.
People love to see people fall.
Most of my bits are long stream-of-consciousness- type things, and when I’m doing them onstage, other places to take the theme or idea will hit me, and I just go with it.
I never in my wildest imagination dreamed that I would somehow become a sports commentator.