I had no desire to be a stand-up comic until I decided to do it.
We live in Los Angeles, where you are expected to move every two to four years, so people can see how well your career is going.
I never know what to get my father for his birthday. I gave him a hundred dollars and said, ‘Buy yourself something that will make your life easier.’ So he went out and bought a present for my mother.
My husband is so confident that when he watches sports on television, he thinks that if he concentrates he can help his team. If the team is in trouble, he coaches the players from our living room, and if they’re really in trouble, I have to get off the phone in case they call him.
Oh, my God. I’ve just told you how old I am. Nobody knows how old I am. I’m going to have to kill you now.
How can I have morning sickness when I don’t get up till noon?
Cats are a waste of fur.
Most turkeys taste better the day after; my mother’s tasted better the day before.
All men would still really like to own a train set.
If you buy your husband or boyfriend a video camera, for the first few weeks he has it, lock the door when you go to the bathroom. Most of my husband’s early films end with a scream and a flush.
If a man prepares dinner for you and the salad contains three or more types of lettuce, he is serious.
I knew so little about money I used to sign my check, “Love, Rita.”
Men do cry, but only when assembling furniture.
I burned sixty calories. That should take care of a peanut I had in 1962.
I work for myself, which is fun. Except when I call in sick, I know I’m lying.
Never take candy from strangers.
Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes out in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like portable heaters that snore.
I have been doing leg lifts faithfully for about fifteen years, and the only thing that has gotten thinner is the carpet where I have been doing the leg lifts.
Buying something on sale is a very special feeling. In fact, the less I pay for something, the more it is worth to me.
Envy the kangaroo. That pouch setup is extraordinary; the baby crawls out of the womb when it is about two inches long, gets into the pouch, and proceeds to mature. I’d have a baby if it would develop in my handbag.
The airline oxygen masks don’t really help you. They’re just there to muffle the screams.