A good marriage is like Dr Who’s Tardis: small and banal from the outside but spacious and interesting from within.
As anyone who has ever fallen foul of an airport, a conventional hospital or a bad restaurant knows, misery is made up of little things...
As I look around the West End these days, it seems to me that outside every thin girl is a fat man, trying to get in.
In my next life I want to be a pessimist. Then other people could spend all their time cheering me up.
One reason you are stricken when your parents die is that the audience you’ve been aiming at all your life – shocking it, pleasing it – has suddenly left the theater.
In hell they will bore you, in heaven you will bore them.
I cannot for the life of me see why the umpires, the only two people on a cricket field who are not going to get grass stains on their knees, are the only two people allowed to wear dark trousers.
Does anybody who gave up smoking to save a pound a week have a pound at the end of the week? Not on your life.
The main purpose of children’s parties is to remind you that there are children more awful than your own.
Things a mother should know: how to comfort a son without exactly saying Daddy was wrong.
It’s a pity more men are not bastards by birth instead of vocation.
I wouldn’t say when you’ve seen one Western you’ve seen the lot; but when you’ve seen the lot you get the feeling you’ve seen one.
I am all for people having their heart in the right place; but the right place for a heart is not inside the head.
The Life and Soul, the man who will never go home while there is one man, woman or glass of anything not yet drunk.
The disease is painless; it’s the cure that hurts.
American patriotism is generally something that amuses Europeans, I suppose because children look idiotic saluting the flag and because the constitution contains so many cracks through which the lawyers may creep.
Americans, indeed, often seem to be so overwhelmed by their children that they’ll do anything for them except stay married to the co-producer.
It would be nice to think that a censor could allow a genuine work of artistic seriousness and ban a titillating piece of sadism, but it would take a miracle to make such a distinction stick.
It is a pity that so often the only way to treat girls like people seems to be to treat them like boys.
I suppose we all share this pipe-dream of being able to reach out a hand and find anything at will; what is amazing is that we think that good filing could somehow make it comes true. On the contrary: putting a letter into a filing system is like releasing your ferret in the Hampton Court maze.
Hats divide generally into three classes: offensive hats, defensive hats, and shrapnel.