Haven’t you noticed that every time the government f-ks up McDonald’s has a new sandwich?
I wish they would teach it in schools: Give people the belief that they are going to do well. A lot of people are really talented and scared to follow their talent because you don’t know where it’s going.
You wanna know how you know you’re informed as a protestor? They don’t show your interview on TV.
I’m a standup comedian who gets to act. I’m never going to not do standup. I love doing it and when I go through periods where I’m doing a lot of acting work, I still do standup.
I’m trying to get away from trashing women, to be honest. I think I’ve done enough of that in my career.
Business runs hot and cold so the more you’re in charge of your own destiny, the better off you are.
Gold diggers are the wife beaters of men!
People make a big deal about podcasts but it’s basically an online radio show with the sound effects and sidekicks, but because you can curse it’s more like satellite radio. Most of the podcasters were morning guys who were fired when Clear Channel decimated the radio landscape.
If you try to deliver a funny line in a funny way, it comes out as wacky and you ruin the scene.
I love doing radio, and I love doing stand-up, obviously. I’m good flying up to four hours, but anything past that, I want to kill myself.
Acting in a sitcom or a comedy movie is like a comedy routine with the setups.
I think it’s a privilege to be able to fly to somewhere where people want to see my show.
I just do my act. If people in England don’t get my joke I make fun of myself for telling it.
Oh look, an ATM! Ok, here we go! I lost all my money, now what do I do? Get a gun! Rob a casino! Good idea! Look at all the lights! This is beautiful.
I am so pro-swine flu it’s ridiculous.
Comedians have the ability to feel other emotions.
Working on the Dave Chappelle show was amazing.
I love my dog. I hate bankers. I have issues with women. In my head, I’m a great guy.
Realize that sleeping on a futon when you’re 30 is not the worst thing. You know what’s worse, sleeping in a king bed next to a wife you’re not really in love with but for some reason you married, and you got a couple kids, and you got a job you hate. You’ll be laying there fantasizing about sleeping on a futon. There’s no risk when you go after a dream. There’s a tremendous amount to risk to playing it safe.
If everybody’s conversations were recorded, would anyone have a job on Monday?
Money can set you free or imprison you.