A woman has her needs. What good is a mother to her poor children if she’s suffering from low self-esteem and sexual frustration? If you don’t get laid soon, you will literally close up. More importantly, you will shrivel. And you will become bitter.

— Helen Fielding

Helen Fielding Quotes

I explained my whole theory about parenting being better if it was like a large Italian family having dinner under a tree while children play. Rebecca poured more wine and explained her theory of child-rearing, which is that you should behave as badly as possible so that the children will rebel against you and turn out like Saffron in Absolutely Fabulous.

— Helen Fielding

Roxster, my photo is of an egg.

— Helen Fielding

Everything’s just so good now, because, as Dad says, ‘It’s coming from the inside, not the outside.

— Helen Fielding

The skin around my eyes was becoming, even as I watched, a mass of wrinkles; chin and jowls were sagging, neck like a turkey, marionette lines rushing from my mouth to my chin in manner of Angela Merkel. As I stared I could almost seamy hair turning into a tight grey perm. It had finally happened. I was an old lady.

— Helen Fielding

Get out. You’ve had the warning sign, he votes Tory. Now get out before you get too involved.

— Helen Fielding

The trouble with trying to go out with people when you get older is that everything becomes so loaded.

— Helen Fielding

Age of rationing ended some time ago and is now space rather than possessions which is in short supply.

— Helen Fielding

Wise people will say Daniel should like me just as I am, but I am a child of Cosmopolitan culture, have been traumatized by supermodels and too many quizzes and know that neither my personality nor my body is up to it if left to its own devices. I can’t take the pressure. I am going to cancel and spend the evening eating doughnuts in a cardigan with egg on it.

— Helen Fielding

Bad enough when a man wanted to touch but could only look. Worse yet when he’d touched and not even noticed.

— Helen Fielding

What a blessing to be born with such Sloaney arrogance. Perpetua could be the size of a Renault Espace and not give it a thought.

— Helen Fielding

I think it would be much more sensible if resolutions began generally on January the second.

— Helen Fielding

The world you’re about to enter will be a different sea, with so much to do with how many likes you get on Facebook or who knows what ; where everyone is showing off rather than sharing their sadnesses and fears and what they really feel;.

— Helen Fielding

Oh, darling, you can’t go around with that tatty green canvas thing. You look like some sort of Mary Poppins person who’s fallen on hard times.

— Helen Fielding

I’m fed up with you,” I said furiously. “I told you quite specifically the first time you tried to undo my skirt that I am not into emotional fuckwittage. It was very bad to carry on flirting, sleep with me then not even follow it up with a phone call, and try to pretend the whole thing never happened. Did you just ask me to Prague to make sure you could still sleep with me if you wanted to as if we were on some sort of ladder?” “A.

— Helen Fielding

Our culture is too obsessed with outward appearance, age and status. Love is what matters.

— Helen Fielding

The point is you are supposed to vote for the principle of the thing, not the itsy-bitsy detail about this percent and that percent.

— Helen Fielding

Now you go out there, do your best, and don’t get caught up in everyone else’s nonsense. It’ll turn out fine, I promise you.

— Helen Fielding

Sometimes I wonder what I would be like if left to revert to nature – with.

— Helen Fielding

All you do is not eat any food which you have to pay for. So at the start of the diet you’re a bit porky and no one asks you out to dinner. Then you lose weight and get a bit leggy and shag-me hippy and people start taking you out for meals. So then you put a few pounds on, the invitations trail off and you start losing weight again.

— Helen Fielding

I hadn’t been there ten minutes before there were three turds on the carpet.

— Helen Fielding
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