A weed is a plant that has mastered every survival skill except for learning how to grow in rows.
Law of Airlines: The shorter the time between flights, the greater the distance between gates.
Democracy is a system that gives people a chance to elect rascals of their own choice.
Fancy Restaurant: one that serves cold soup on purpose.
A child is a person who can’t understand why someone would give away a perfectly good kitten.
Real elation is when you feel you could touch a star without standing on tiptoe.
The only nice thing about being imperfect is the joy it brings to others.
The trouble with class reunions is that old flames have become even older.
The real secret of patience is to find something to do in the meantime.
Setting a good example for your children does nothing but increase their embarrassment.
One nice thing about telling a clean joke is there’s a good chance no one’s heard it before.
Heredity is a splendid phenomenon that relieves us of responsibility for our shortcomings.
A lifetime isn’t nearly long enough to figure out what it’s all about.
Sometimes opportunity knocks, but most of the time it sneaks up and then quietly steals away.
They should have picked a different city to name after a man who reputedly never told a lie.
Utility is when you have one telephone, luxury is when you have two, and paradise is when you have none.
An alibi is a reason with a bad reputation.
A perfect example of the power of prayer is when a blizzard closes the schools on the day of a big exam.
The reason people blame things on the previous generation is that there’s only one other choice.
Autumn is a season followed immediately by looking forward to spring.
There must be a happy medium somewhere between being totally informed and blissfully unaware.