Success is like toilet paper, it only seems important when you don’t have it.
In any relationship there are certain doors that should never be opened. The bathroom door, for example.
Ridiculous that some people feel superior to the gay minority. They’re the only couples you’ll ever find poking around for ceramics and candle holders in the winery gift shop and both parties really want to be there.
Choosing to have a child you can’t take care of is like farting in an elevator. Sure you got it out, but not it’s everyone else’s problem.
In life your dreams may not come true, but sooner or later one of your nightmares will.
You should never die for your beliefs, because what if you’re wrong?
In New York, the principal leisure activity is internal bleeding.
I was brought up Catholic. My mom brought us to mass every Sunday – short for ‘massive head trauma’ that you get from your mother punching you in your little nine-year-old head every minute because you can’t sit still for anything that’s boring.
Imagine my surprise when it turned out the main thing that I was qualified for was to get another degree and teach Political Science to other people, who would, in turn, teach it to other people! This wasn’t higher education, this was Amway with a football team!
That’s why you have to like a guy like Charles Manson. Say what you will about Manson – he’s one of the only people with the decency to look like a dangerous maniac the first time you meet him.
Lobsters one of the only animals that have to put up with being alive in the restaurant. If you go to a steakhouse, folks – no cow tank.
Brooklyn is the only place where a guy can open up a candy store sell no candy and gross over eight million dollars a year.
Today, I bought a pastrami sandwich: $13.75. Walked back out in the street – genuine Rolex watch: six bucks.
We spend the second half of our life making up for the first half.
Animals are happier than humans because they’re like furry little existentialists, all living in the moment. Their collective motto: live fast, die young, and leave a good-looking pelt.
Sports are an acceptable way for men to show emotion. A guy who won’t hug his kid will slip a guy a tongue in a sports bar when his team wins.
A bunch of money-grubbin’, greenhouse-gasing, seal-clubbing, oil-drilling, Bible-thumping, missile-firing, right-to-life-ing, lethal-injecting hypocrites. People whose idea of a good time is strapping a dead panda to a Lincoln Navigator and running over everybody in the gay parade.
I always look for a woman who has a tattoo. I see a woman with a tattoo, and I’m thinking, okay, here’s a gal who’s capable of making a decision she’ll regret in the future.
America: Twenty million illegal aliens can’t be wrong!
When one guy sees an invisible man he’s a nut case; ten people see him it’s a cult; ten million people see him it’s a respected religion.
It is a sad fact that 50 percent of marriages in this country end in divorce. But hey, the other half end in death. You could be one of the lucky ones!