Illegal aliens have always been a problem in the United States. Ask any Indian.
Love is so confusing – you tell a girl she looks great and what’s the first thing you do? Turn out the lights!
I should warn you that underneath these clothes I’m wearing boxer shorts and I know how to use them.
In prehistoric times, mankind often had only two choices in crisis situations: fight or flee. In modern times, humor offers us a third alternative; fight, flee – or laugh.
Happiness is a very small desk and a very big wastebasket.
More than ever before, Americans are suffering from back problems: back taxes, back rent, back auto payments.
Wall Street is where prophets tell us what will happen and profits tell us what did happen.
It’s mandatory in this day and age to be considered to have a sense of humor and to demonstrate it. You’re not paying me for a joke, You’re paying me for the right joke.
Anybody with a good sense of humor is one-up on their competition. We respond to somebody who has the ability to make us laugh. It’s a bonding influence.
As much as we admire all the characteristics of a Ronald Reagan, as soon as something goes wrong, people will hate those same characteristics.
Nowadays, you cannot be a very Effective political figure without Having a demonstrable sense of humor. People take to it.
You wouldn’t want Alan Greenspan to write the instructions for assembling a beach chair.
Did you ever figure to be living in a time when your check is good, but the bank bounces?
Have you noticed when you go on a diet, the first thing you lose is your temper.
I may be forty, but every morning when I get up, I feel like a twenty-year-old. Unfortunately, there’s never one around.
It’s an awful thing to grow old by yourself. My wife hasn’t had a birthday in seven years.
The Playboy Calendar this year has some tiptop models. Any more top and they’d tip.
Humor is the most honest of emotions. Applause for a speech can be insincere, but with humor, if the audience doesn’t like it there’s no faking it.
I’d be surprised if Ronald Reagan doesn’t run again. To us it’s a second term. To him it’s a double feature.
President Ford used humor a great deal.
Very few people ever meet celebrities. All we really know is what we read about them and the most memorable lines are jokes. That’s how we tend to define what we think of a public figure.