I was a wonderful parent before I had children. I was an expert on why everyone else was having problems with theirs. Then I had three of my own.
It’s important to make a distinction between allowing feelings and allowing actions,” I replied. “We permit children to express all their feelings. We don’t permit them to hurt each other. Our job is to show them how to express their anger without doing damage.
Parents don’t usually give this kind of response, because they fear that by giving a name to the feeling they’ll make it worse. Just the opposite is true. The child who hears the words for what she is experiencing is deeply comforted. Someone has acknowledged her inner experience.
To be loved equally,” I continued, “is somehow to be loved less. To be loved uniquely – for one’s own special self – is to be loved as much as we need to be loved.
It’s also not helpful when parents respond with more intensity than the child feels.
Statements like these say to the child, “I don’t like what you did, and I expect you to take care of it.” We hope that later on in life, as an adult, when he does something he regrets, he’ll think to himself, “What can I do to make amends – to set things right again?,” rather than “What I just did proves I’m an unworthy person who deserves to be punished.
The attitude behind your words is as important as the words themselves. The attitude that children thrive on is one that communicates, “You’re basically a lovable, capable person. Right now there’s a problem that needs attention. Once you’re aware of it, you’ll probably respond responsibly.
Children don’t appreciate having the names they call themselves repeated by their parents. When a child tells you he’s dumb or ugly or fat, it’s not helpful to reply with “Oh, so you think you’re dumb,” or “You really feel you’re ugly.” Let’s not cooperate with him when he calls himself names. We can accept his pain without repeating the name.
The passion and excitement you feel about a child’s achievement should be saved for a moment when just the two of you are together. It’s too much for the other siblings to have to listen to.
Imagine,” I thought, “a world in which brothers and sisters grow up in homes where hurting isn’t allowed; where children are taught to express their anger at each other sanely and safely; where each child is valued as an individual, not in relation to the others; where cooperation, rather than competition is the norm; where no one is trapped in a role; where children have daily experience and guidance in resolving their differences.
Insisting upon good feelings between the children led to bad feelings. Acknowledging bad feelings between the children led to good feelings. A circuitous route to sibling harmony. And yet, the most direct.
Not till the bad feelings come out can the good ones come in.
There are youngsters who prefer no talk at all when they’re upset. For them, Mom or Dad’s presence is comfort enough. One mother told us about walking into the living room and seeing her ten-year-old daughter slumped on the sofa with tear-stained eyes. The mother sat down beside her daughter, put her arms around her, murmured, “Something happened,” and sat silently with her for five minutes. Finally, her daughter sighed and said, “Thanks, Mom. I’m better now.
Children often experience praise of a brother or sister as a put-down of themselves. They automatically translate, ‘Your brother is so considerate’ into ‘Mom thinks I’m not.’ It’s a good idea to save our enthusiastic comments for the ear of the deserving child.
Finally, are most of my moments with my child spent asking her to “do things?” Or am I taking out some time to be alone with her – just to “be together”?
It’s hard for children to change their behavior when their feelings are completely ignored.
When a person is drowning, it’s not the time to give swimming lessons.
The time for empathy is when a child wants you to know how he feels.
1. Start by acknowledging the children’s anger towards each other. That alone should help calm them. 2. Listen to each child’s side with respect. 3. Show appreciation for the difficulty of the problem. 4. Express faith in their ability to work out a mutually agreeable solution. 5. Leave the room.
Insisting upon good feelings between the children led to bad feelings. Acknowledging bad feelings between the children led to good feelings.
When they’re tempted, conflicted, or confused, they’ll know where to turn for guidance. When the unwholesome voices in the pop culture call to them, they’ll have another voice inside their heads – yours – with your values, your love, your faith in them.