In a normal family, surprise means presents, cake and a party. My family, surprise means homelessness, abandonment and destruction of private property. Sometimes we have cake. We’re not losers.
We kinda hated sitcoms when we sat down and talked about this. We wanted to do something that was in the sitcom vain but totally different.
Pope John Paul didn’t die – he pre-boarded.
I don’t tell people I’m white anymore – I’m albino-Cambodian.
The United States ranks 14th in the world in education. Even if we subtract Sarah Palin’s test scores, it only bumps us to third. Damn you, Finland!
Consider Palin for President? The most powerful job on earth? You don’t give the dumb cheerleader the Uzi. That’s in the Bible.
I’m the sort of loser who succeeds really well and then drops a turd in the punch bowl.
I think our collective psychosis is hilarious. With the world moving as fast as it is, if we weren’t dysfunctional, we couldn’t function.
I find that Americans are all in the middle somewhere, except for the extreme nuts, and extreme nuts on both sides are the loudest. And that’s why it feels like we are polarized.
They call it torture when our guys put underwear on a guy’s head, stripped him naked, put an egg between his buttcheeks and made him do jumping jacks. You know, if it can’t get you into a fraternity at Chico State University, it’s not torture.
It should be a law. Everybody should legally own a gun. In fact, if you’re caught outside your house without your gun, you get a ticket. And you get shot in the leg. Just to prove my point.
The yearbook voted me most likely to be scraped off an onramp by a puking fireman.
Everyone’s a racist. It’s the one thing that makes us all the same.
Why should I learn English? I’m never going to England. Shah, pffff, ur, doy.
My dad’s all I’ve ever had. When I was 3 and 4, my mom used to take me to bars. I understand why now – babysitters cost beer, beer and-a-half an hour.
Sometimes, to help the people you love, you’ve gotta commit a felony.
Born free. Taxed to death.
We are brought into this world cold, weak, and helpless. Then it gets worse.
No problem is so big and difficult that it can’t be blamed on somebody else.
If at first you don’t succeed, then drag racing isn’t for you.
God bless America. But God, please help Canada.