Major Major’s father was a sober God-fearing man whose idea of a good joke was to lie about his age. He was a long-limbed farmer, a God-fearing, freedom-loving, law-abiding rugged individualist who held that federal aid to anyone but farmers was creeping socialism. He advocated thrift and hard work and disapproved of loose women who turned him down.

— Joseph Heller

Joseph Heller Quotes

Oh, don’t you worry about that,” Yossarian comforted him with a toneless snicker as the engines of the jeeps and ambulance fractured the drowsy silence and the vehicles in the rear began driving away backward.

— Joseph Heller

He felt imprisoned in an airplane. In an airplane there was absolutely no place in the world to go except to another part of the airplane.

— Joseph Heller

I don’t want to make sacrifices. I want to make dough.

— Joseph Heller

In fact, though the books came slowly, he was a novelist to his bootlaces, an avid narrator who couldn’t stop the story once it had started, who felt the terrors of existence so acutely that he had to tell them and tell them until he’d made them something else.

— Joseph Heller

It takes brains not to make money,” Colonel Cargill wrote in one of the homiletic memoranda he regularly prepared for circulation over General Peckem’s signature. “Any fool can make money these days and most of them do. But what about people with talent and brains? Name, for example, one poet who makes money.

— Joseph Heller

Everyone was always very friendly toward him, and no one was ever very nice; everyone spoke to him, and no one ever said anything.

— Joseph Heller

The soldier who saw everything twice nodded weakly and sank back on his bed. Yossarian nodded weakly too, eyeing his talented roommate with great humility and admiration. He knew he was in the presence of a master. His talented roommate was obviously a person to be studied and emulated. During the night, his talented roommate died, and Yossarian decided that he had followed him far enough.

— Joseph Heller

It was miraculous. Each day he faced was another dangerous mission against mortality. And he had been surviving them for twenty-eight years.

— Joseph Heller

As far as I know, I’m the only Captain Yossarian I know, but that’s only as far as I know.

— Joseph Heller

How much older can you be at your age?

— Joseph Heller

Good God, how much reverence can you have for a Supreme Being who finds it necessary to include such phenomena as phlegm and tooth decay in His divine system of creation?

— Joseph Heller

Captain Black knew he was a subversive because he wore eyeglasses and used words like panacea and utopia, and because he disapproved of Adolf Hitler, who had done such a great job of combating unAmerican activities in Germany.

— Joseph Heller

The steady ticking of a watch in a quiet room crashed like torture against his unshielded brain.

— Joseph Heller

My act of rebellion would be absorbed like rain on an ocean and leave no trace. I would not cause a ripple.

— Joseph Heller

When salesmen are doing well, there is pressure upon them to begin doing better, for fear they may start doing worse.

— Joseph Heller

She listens to him with great intensity because she is paying no attention to him at all.

— Joseph Heller

Yossarian’s attitude towards his roommates turned merciful and protective at the mere recollection of Captain Black. It was not their fault that they were young and cheerful, he reminded himself as he carried the swinging beam of his flashlight back through the darkness. He wished that he could be young and cheerful, too. And it wasn’t their fault that they were courageous, confident and carefree.

— Joseph Heller

Why couldn’t anybody understand that he was not really a freak but a normal, lonely adult trying to lead a normal, lonely adult life?

— Joseph Heller

Can’t you stop by my tent on your way to the hospital and punch one of them in the nose for me?” he speculated aloud. “I’ve got four of them, and they’re going to crowd me out of my tent altogether.” “You know, something like that once happened to my whole tribe,” Chief White Halfoat remarked.

— Joseph Heller

She slept for eighteen hours, while Nately dashed about the apartment all the next morning shushing everybody in sight, and when she woke up she was deeply in love with him. In the last analysis, that was all it took to win her heart – a good night’s sleep.

— Joseph Heller
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