And you definitely shouldn’t attempt to drive yourself in Miami, because odds are you’d make some foolish tourist mistake such as stop for a red light, which means you’d be rear-ended by a vehicle going upwards of eighty miles per hour driven by a motorist with no insurance but a minimum of two firearms.

— Dave Barry

Dave Barry Quotes

Probably the most violently hated of the weenie songs cited in the survey was “Sometimes When We Touch,” sung in a very emotional manner by Dan Hill, who sounds as though he’s having his prostate examined by Captain Hook.

— Dave Barry

I realize that some of you may be skeptical about the idea of reincarnation, but there’s a lot of evidence that it’s real. Exhibit A is Vice President Al Gore, who obviously, at some point in his previous existence, was a slab of Formica.

— Dave Barry

Fortunately the bad guys had the tactical intelligence of a waffle iron, so the hero was able to outsmart them by ducking behind some rocks, then putting his hat on a stick and holding it.

— Dave Barry

Other useful commands to teach your dog are ‘stay,’ ‘heel,’ ‘remove your snout from that person’s groin,’ ‘stop humping the Barcalounger,’ ‘do not bark violently for two hours at inanimate objects such as a flowerpot,’ ′ do not eat poop,′ and ‘if you must eat poop, then at least refrain from licking my face afterward’.

— Dave Barry

Natives of the Florida Keys often refer to themselves as Conchs, and for good reason: They have been drinking.

— Dave Barry

Call me a proud American, if you want, but I truly believe that no other nation on Earth possesses the capabilities to put on a more powerful display of underwater mermaid patriotism.

— Dave Barry

If a Greek woman tells you to do something, you do it.

— Dave Barry

Sometimes I think the main purpose of professional sports is to give guys something to talk about that does not involve them personally.

— Dave Barry

Under Florida’s “stand your ground” law, it is legal to shoot anybody for any reason as long as you are standing on the ground.

— Dave Barry

The truth is that only a small percentage of Miami’s population consists of violent criminals, and the bulk of those are elected officials. The rest of us Miamians are regular people, just like the people in your town: We work hard, try to raise our kids right, and are always ready to help out our neighbors by laying down covering fire when they go outside to get their newspapers.

— Dave Barry

Every single human cell contains “DNA,” which is a special molecule that your body leaves behind at crime scenes so the police can identify you.

— Dave Barry

Your DNA wants to put its imprint on the entire human race, like the Nike Corporation.

— Dave Barry

In one case, a group of innocent American tourists was taken on a tour bus through a country the members later described as “either France or Sweden” and subjected to three days of looking at old, dirty buildings in cities where it was not possible to get a cheeseburger.

— Dave Barry

Did you see those airport security people? I think you could drive a tank past them, as long as it didn’t contain any liquids.

— Dave Barry

Yes, but in this case, the fatality was a shark. The tractor-trailer was carrying four sharks from the Florida Keys to an aquarium in Coney Island in New York City and one of the sharks was ejected during the crash. Fortunately, it didn’t hit anybody, but the fact remains that there was, briefly, an airborne shark on Interstate 95, and it could have hit a car, which would have been tragic, by which I mean pretty funny.

— Dave Barry

He could be a testosterone donor.

— Dave Barry

In the end, all that really matters – all you really have – is the people you love. Not your job, not your career, not your awards, not your money, not your stuff. Just your people.

— Dave Barry

All day long I’d biddy-biddy-bum As you can imagine, this unfortunate condition has an adverse impact on Tevye’s milkman career, as it seriously hampers his ability to interact with his customers: CUSTOMER: I need two quarts of milk and one pint of cream. TEVYE: Okay, that’s two quarts of milk and one pint of boody booboo.

— Dave Barry

Fort Lauderdale is sometimes called The Venice of America by people who clearly have never been to Venice.

— Dave Barry

Well. You think Salman Rushdie got into trouble. It turns out that Neil Diamond has a great many serious fans out there, and virtually every one of them took the time to send me an extremely hostile, spittle-flecked letter.

— Dave Barry
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