The irony is that the struggle to win love and approval makes it very difficult to experience them. Chronic.
We don’t hear what someone said; we imagine what they meant.
When you’re seeking love and approval, many thoughts are aimed at deciphering the behavior of the people you care about, or theorizing about what’s going on in their minds.
The most powerful spiritual practice is to hang out with the people who criticize you. You don’t even have to do that physically, since they live right here in your head.
Flirtation, seduction, falling in love, and the whole romantic realm take place in a dreamy, trancelike state, alternating between hope and fear. One minute you think you may be rejected; the next minute you’re excited about succeeding.
Every no I say is a yes to myself. It feels right to me. People don’t have to guess what I want or don’t want, and I don’t need to pretend. When you’re honest about your yeses and noes, it’s easy to live a kind life. People come and go in my life when I tell the truth, and they would come and go if I didn’t tell the truth. I have nothing to gain one way, and everything to gain the other way. I don’t leave myself guessing or guilty.
I wasn’t always able to live the advice that I so generously held out for others to live. When I realized this, I found myself on equal ground with the people I had judged. I saw that my philosophy wasn’t so easy for any of us to live. I saw that we’re all doing the best we can.
That’s like saying, “May my will be done, not God’s will,” rather than realizing, deeply, that God’s will is your will at every moment. It’s trying to get what you want, rather than wanting what you have, which is the only way you can ever be happy.
Seeking comfort, you give yourself discomfort.
Heaven: “This is wonderful. I could stay here forever.” Hell: “This is not quite perfect.
What is an example that will prove that you aren’t lovable? Rejection? If someone rejects you – and he could only do that because you don’t match his beliefs about how he wants the world to be – it has nothing to do with you. Only an inflated ego could say that it had anything to do with you.
No one outside me can hurt me. That’s not a possibility. It’s only when I believe a story that I get hurt.
When you stay out of your family’s business, they notice that you have your stuff together and that you’re happy, so they start to follow. You’ve taught them everything they know, and now they begin to learn again. And that’s what happened with my children; they just don’t see a lot of problems anymore, because in the presence of someone who doesn’t have a problem, they can’t hold on to one.
When my children ask me what they should do, I say, “I don’t know, honey.” Or, “Here’s what I did in a similar situation, and it worked for me. And you can always know that I’m here to listen and that I’m always going to love you, whatever decision you make. You’ll know what to do. And also, sweetheart, you can’t do it wrong. I promise you that.” I finally learned to tell my children the truth.
We’re all five-year-olds. We don’t know how to do this thing called life. We’re just learning how.
Every time you try to change someone, you are trying to change someone that doesn’t exist. They only exist in your head. People are who you believe them to be.
How do I know I don’t need what I want? I don’t have it.
Problems can exist only in a past or future.
I’m supposed to sleep at three o’clock in the morning” – is that true? I don’t think so: I’m wide awake. When I wake up in the middle of the night, I get very excited. What could be better than sleep? Waking! I love lying in bed in the middle of the night with my eyes wide open, because that’s what I’m doing. There’s no thought that I should be doing anything else. I love all my thoughts.
If your happiness depends on your children being happy, that makes them your hostages. So stay out of their business, stop using them for your happiness, and be your own happiness. And that way you are the teacher for your children: someone who knows how to live a happy life.
It’s not up to my employees to accomplish what I want; it’s up to me. I’m the boss. And the reason that firing you is so kind is that I’ve just released you from a torture chamber and allowed you to move into a space where you are qualified. And because of my clarity and kindness, the position is open for the right person to move into it. Anything less than that is masochism: it’s unkind to you and to me.