Mickey Cray was surprised to learn that Derek Badger didn’t want any of his captive critters on location. Mickey had never wrangled for a nature show that used only wild animals, nor had he ever encountered a person less qualified than Derek to handle untamed specimens.

— Carl Hiaasen

Carl Hiaasen Quotes

Merry sighed. “Once again, Andrew, you’ve opened my eyes. To what, I’m not sure.

— Carl Hiaasen

When Yancy arrived, Sonny Summers was at a two-top morosely scanning the menu. “What looks good?” Yancy joked. “The door.

— Carl Hiaasen

He paused and manufactured a chuckle.

— Carl Hiaasen

The vandals didn’t stand a chance against five hundred–odd pounds of badass dog flesh. They.

— Carl Hiaasen

Despite the meatiness of his fingers, Dominick showed himself to be a nimble texter.

— Carl Hiaasen

Buck’s girlfriend went by the porny name of Miracle though she had a master’s in computer science from Florida State.

— Carl Hiaasen

Somewhere Blister came up with boat rope and duct tape. He bound and gagged Yancy before sliding him under a bed. Yancy was impressed by the cleanliness of the floor – not even a dust bunny. The polished pine planks felt cool against his cheek. He shut his eyes and strained to hear the conversation of the carping fuckwits in the adjoining room.

— Carl Hiaasen

Deep in every angler’s soul is a secret confidence in his own special prowess that impels him to keep fishing in the face of common sense, basic science, financial ruin, and even natural disasters.

— Carl Hiaasen

Stoat himself was registered independent, but he hadn’t stepped inside a voting booth in fourteen years. He couldn’t take the concept seriously; he knew too much.

— Carl Hiaasen

Angie had been summoned to Casa Bellicosa to unfasten a screech owl from the presidential pompadour, which the low-swooping raptor had mistaken for a road-kill fox. When Angie arrived, the commander-in-chief was lurching madly around the helipad, bellowing and clawing at the Velcro skull patch into which the confused bird had embedded its talons.

— Carl Hiaasen

Mastodon railed on a while longer, making air quotes with his stubby doll fingers whenever mentioning the name Diego, and thundering that this was exactly the bloodthirsty breed of invader that the White House had been warning the nation about.

— Carl Hiaasen

He’s got basically the same height and frame as the President,” Christian explained, “so we use him for the trial tan, just to make sure there’s no temperature issues or electrical glitches.” The Knob glanced over at Angie. “Thirteen minutes on my back,” he said with a salacious hitch of an eyebrow. “Easy money, babe.

— Carl Hiaasen

The nation was under siege by bloodthirsty hordes charging like rabid wolverines across the borders.

— Carl Hiaasen

Aldous Huxley. ‘Being contented has none of the glamour of a good fight against misfortune.’ You think about that.

— Carl Hiaasen

In a place like South Florida, such heart-bound faith in the justice system could best be described as quaint.

— Carl Hiaasen

If you can’t find anything wet enough, leave the premises immediately.” “My life motto,” said Uric.

— Carl Hiaasen

You won’t change the whole world, but you’ll change somebody’s world – and for the better. And, just as inevitably, some of you won’t. You’ll park your principles in the long-term lot and spend your future taking advantage of people.

— Carl Hiaasen

In person the act of fishing was boring enough; watching someone else do it seemed like a form of self-torture.

— Carl Hiaasen

In nature violence is pure and purposeful, one species against another in an act of survival!

— Carl Hiaasen

It’s pretty tough to keep the lid on mass murder,” remarked the Miami police chief. “God knows we’ve tried.

— Carl Hiaasen
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