My only regret is that I can’t track down a boyfriend or two and use my evil vampire powers to hypnotize him into stripping naked and dancing the Highland Fling every time he hears the word ‘hello.’ ” “But he would hear it several times every day,” I told her. “What’s your point?

— Molly Harper

Molly Harper Quotes

If Finn had brought me something with bubbles, I probably would have performed explicit favors for him involving feathers and chocolate pudding.

— Molly Harper

Of course, at the reading of Aunt Jettie’s will, Grandma Ruthie was handed an envelope containing a carefully folded high-resolution picture of a baboon’s butt. That pretty much summed up their relationship.

— Molly Harper

Jettie was the one who undid some of the damage from my mother’s “birds and bees” talk, entitled “Nice Girls Don’t Do That. Ever.

— Molly Harper

Anyone can show up for stuff like graduations and birthdays. Only the people who truly love you will help you move.

— Molly Harper

If she wasn’t absolutely sure that it would turn out to be an emotional disaster of Pompeii proportions, she would take Sonja’s advice and climb that man like a tree. For science.

— Molly Harper

Sonja Fong didn’t need magical powers. She had formidable wi-fi and an extremely questionable browser history.

— Molly Harper

Sometimes apathy hurts just as much as cruelty. At least when someone is yelling, you can imagine that they care.

— Molly Harper

Clarissa apparently believed that if you didn’t have to roll a guest out of your house like the blueberry girl in Willy Wonka, you were a bad hostess.

— Molly Harper

Sometimes life just stinks like a bass in your couch,” Stan said. “It’s not fair. And sometimes it doesn’t get better. And sometimes there’s no reason for it. It just stinks. You can either lean into it and try to ride it out, or you can fold under the weight.

— Molly Harper

Should she roll down the window? Was it safe? At this point, it would be rude not to, but she’d always read that a woman traveling alone should ignore their instincts to be polite and err on the side of not letting an enormous man pull her through a van window and onto the human trafficking market.

— Molly Harper

And then they watched The Bridges of Madison County,” Jillian added. Zed gasped. “That’s like The Notebook for old people!

— Molly Harper

Bael realized his earlier panic feeling had been replaced by something much warmer and sweeter. And he would never, ever tell Zed about it.

— Molly Harper

I may be dead, but I’m still me.

— Molly Harper

I’m ancient, not outdated.

— Molly Harper

You don’t chase stupid! It will find you eventually!

— Molly Harper

No sweets! We’re talking total ice cream lockdown!” Kyle called. “Don’t make me get the kale!

— Molly Harper

When did everything start coming in so many flavors? And why did so many of them involve sriracha?

— Molly Harper

She’s small, sneaky, and has a profound sense of retaliation. Like God’s little angel of vengeance.

— Molly Harper

It’s in the bylaws. If we’re not feedin’ someone pork products, we get all twitchy and just start throwin’ biscuits at innocent bystanders.

— Molly Harper

I don’t trust anything that tries that hard to be cute.

— Molly Harper
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