Why is everyone so surprised that I have a stun gun?” “Because I’ve seen you staple your hand to a purchase order,” Andrea told me.
If Finn had brought me something with bubbles, I probably would have performed explicit favors for him involving feathers and chocolate pudding.
Of course, at the reading of Aunt Jettie’s will, Grandma Ruthie was handed an envelope containing a carefully folded high-resolution picture of a baboon’s butt. That pretty much summed up their relationship.
Jettie was the one who undid some of the damage from my mother’s “birds and bees” talk, entitled “Nice Girls Don’t Do That. Ever.
Anyone can show up for stuff like graduations and birthdays. Only the people who truly love you will help you move.
If she wasn’t absolutely sure that it would turn out to be an emotional disaster of Pompeii proportions, she would take Sonja’s advice and climb that man like a tree. For science.
Sonja Fong didn’t need magical powers. She had formidable wi-fi and an extremely questionable browser history.
Sometimes apathy hurts just as much as cruelty. At least when someone is yelling, you can imagine that they care.
Clarissa apparently believed that if you didn’t have to roll a guest out of your house like the blueberry girl in Willy Wonka, you were a bad hostess.
Sometimes life just stinks like a bass in your couch,” Stan said. “It’s not fair. And sometimes it doesn’t get better. And sometimes there’s no reason for it. It just stinks. You can either lean into it and try to ride it out, or you can fold under the weight.
Should she roll down the window? Was it safe? At this point, it would be rude not to, but she’d always read that a woman traveling alone should ignore their instincts to be polite and err on the side of not letting an enormous man pull her through a van window and onto the human trafficking market.
And then they watched The Bridges of Madison County,” Jillian added. Zed gasped. “That’s like The Notebook for old people!
Bael realized his earlier panic feeling had been replaced by something much warmer and sweeter. And he would never, ever tell Zed about it.
I may be dead, but I’m still me.
I’m ancient, not outdated.
You don’t chase stupid! It will find you eventually!
No sweets! We’re talking total ice cream lockdown!” Kyle called. “Don’t make me get the kale!
When did everything start coming in so many flavors? And why did so many of them involve sriracha?
She’s small, sneaky, and has a profound sense of retaliation. Like God’s little angel of vengeance.
It’s in the bylaws. If we’re not feedin’ someone pork products, we get all twitchy and just start throwin’ biscuits at innocent bystanders.
I don’t trust anything that tries that hard to be cute.