Are you absolutely sure you want to do this? Seems like maybe it would make more sense to call in a SWAT team or Special Forces.” “That won’t work, isn’t Special Forces where everyone gets a hug?” Charlie called. “That’s the Special Olympics,” Rivera said over his shoulder.

— Christopher Moore

Christopher Moore Quotes

But she’s a redhead, so she’s probably evil, even at her tender age.

— Christopher Moore

Okay, the kingdom is like a monkey.” Joshua was hoarse and his voice was breaking. “How?” “A Jewish monkey, right?” “Is it like a monkey eating a mustard seed?” I stood up and went to Joshua and put my arm around his shoulder. “Josh, take a break.” I led him down the beach toward the village. He shook his head. “Those are the dumbest sons of bitches on earth.” “They’ve become like little children, as you told them to.” “Stupid little children,” Joshua said.

— Christopher Moore

The entire city of Las Vegas – plastic opulence, treasure for the taking, vulgar towers, and cocktail waitresses with improbable breasts – is built on the self-delusion of the Beta Male.

— Christopher Moore

A death that results from your actions is basically killing someone, unless you’re a politician, right?

— Christopher Moore

He crossed against the light, limping slightly under the weight of the subtext.

— Christopher Moore

The snail, presumably, to bolster the self-esteem of the turtles: “You think we’re slow? Look at that guy.” To shore up the snail’s morale in the same way, there was a rock. Everyone is happier if they have someone to look down on, as well as someone to look up to, especially if they resent both. This is not only the Beta Male strategy for survival, but the basis for capitalism, democracy, and most religions.

— Christopher Moore

That’s what I’m saying,” said Charlie, who wasn’t saying that at all.

— Christopher Moore

The funeral was held at St. Mary’s Catherdral of San Francisco, which has the distinction of being the only church in the world designed after a washing-machine agitator.

— Christopher Moore

Creatures of the night were rising from their resting places and venturing forth to feed on their unsuspecting victims.

— Christopher Moore

I’m just going to try to save the woman I love, and that’s as good as the world to me.

— Christopher Moore

Judges was named after one of the books of the Bible, as was Sammy – Samuel – as Sammy’s mother found great comfort in her faith during labor, when she swore to God that if Sammy’s dad ever got that thing near her again she would murder him in his sleep.

— Christopher Moore

There are those who, deprived of physical beauty, develop a sincerity and beauty of spirit that seems to eclipse their appearance. They marry for love, stay married, and raise happy children who are quick to laugh and slow to judge.

— Christopher Moore

She looked like she was being towed through the store by two submarines,” said Simon. “Major hooters,” said Troy Lee. “Major-league hooters.” Tommy said, “Can’t you guys see more in a woman than T and A?” “Nope,” said Troy. “No way,” said Simon.

— Christopher Moore

I headed out to find Moo Shoes and inform him that our business venture had croaked my boss, and also that we had a business venture.

— Christopher Moore

To stay married, you need a fair amount of ignorance. Selective forgetting is what makes close proximity possible. It’s what we forget about someone that lets us find some peace, some happiness.

— Christopher G. Moore

You are a disappointment to disappointments.

— Christopher Moore

Magic is just science that we don’t know yet.

— Christopher Moore

There were chopsticks stuck here and there in her hair, as if she were prepared at any minute to deal with an emergency stir-fry.

— Christopher Moore

There was irony and mirth lurking everywhere, and it was my holy duty as a fool to point it out, nay, chase it out of the corners and poke it until it giggled.

— Christopher Moore

The bodhi tree has been converted into a marriage tree. The belief is that young women who die before marriage should have a husband in the next world. Their relatives bring a wedding dress and monks to this tree and perform a wedding ceremony. The spirit of the dead woman is married to a famous singer, poet or magician who died many years ago. Their families believe that he’ll be a good husband will look after each wife as if she were the only one.

— Christopher G. Moore
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