I have tried to be righteous all my life. Yet I have never been content.
I’m falling in love. I am in love. And it’s not with Xander, though I do love him. I’m sure of that, as sure as I am of the fact what I feel for Ky is something different.
So in the middle of all the noise, I point to the sky. I hope he understands what I mean, because I mean so many things: My heart will always fly his name. I won’t go gentle. I’ll find a way to soar like the angels in the stories and I will find him. And I know he understands as he looks straight at me, deep into my eyes. His lips move silently, and I know what he says: the words of a poem that only two people in the world know. Tears well up but I blink them away. Because if there is one moment in my life that I want to see clearly, this is it.
Writing, painting, singing- it cannot stop everything. Cannot halt death in its tracks. But perhaps it can make the pause between death’s footsteps sound and look and feel beautiful, can make the space of waiting a place where you can linger without as much fear. For we are all walking each other to our deaths, and the journey there between footsteps makes up our lives.
Our time together feels like a storm, like wild wind and rain, like something too big to handle but too powerful to escape. It blows around me and tangles my hair, leaves water on my face, makes me know that I am alive, alive, alive. There are moments of calm and pause as there are in every storm, and moments when our words fork lightening, at least for each other.
Lying in bed, my body and soul bruised and tired, I realize that the Officials are right. Once you want something, everything changes. Now I want everything. More and more and more. I want to pick my work position. Marry who I choose. Eat pie for breakfast and run down a real street instead of on a tracker. Go fast when I want and slow when I want. Decide which poems I want to read and what words I want to write. There is so much that I want. I feel it so much that I am water, a river of want, pooled in the shape of a girl named Cassia.
That’s when I realize that the statistics the Officials give us do not matter to me. I know there are many people who are happy and I am glad for them. But this is Ky. If he is the one person who falls by the wayside while the other ninety-nine are happy and fulfilled, that is not right with me anymore. I realize that I don’t care about the Officer pacing below or the other hikers among the trees, or really anything else at all, and that is when I realize how dangerous this truly is.
My dad used to say that life was like turning the pages in a book. ‘Oh, look,’ he’d say, pretending to flip the pages in the air after we’d had something bad happen to us. ‘Bad luck here on page ninety-seven. And on ninety-eight. But something good here on ninety-nine! All you had to do was keep reading!
Sometimes you can’t speak, not because others won’t let you, but because you are afraid of what you’ll say.
Everyone dies. The don’t all have the chance to see what they wanted most. At least I’ve seen the Above. At least I’ve known True.
People can be miracles.
You always have something left to lose. Until, of course, you die.
I am protected, shaped and built by what is outside, what they made of me, but also by what is inside, what I made of myself.
The only chance of success is to trust in your own power.
Some people always burn.
I understood why Leo called the fountain Baby Niagara. Because once you see something big, you can’t help seeing it in everything small.
You don’t have to know someone all the way to miss them. Or to feel bad when they’re gone” -Leo.
But then I realize that even if I did have a soul, it’s not as though someone else would be there. It would only be more of me.
You wouldn’t believe how fast people can forget about someone.
Trust your words.