I used to have a drug problem, now I make enough money.
Money can’t buy happiness but it can buy a huge yacht that sails right next to it.
I don’t feel tardy.
I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.
People ask me how far I’ve come. And I tell them twelve feet: from the audience to the stage.
Remember, life is just a game and no one gets out alive.
If you subtracted all of the great artists who never drank, who never went to excess, you wouldn’t have any more art left. What kind of poem are you gonna get out of a glass of iced tea?
I’m not conceited. Conceit is a fault and I have no faults.
The perfect woman has an IQ of 150, wants to make love until 4 in the morning, then turns into a pizza!
He who knows how will always work for he who knows why.
Money can’t buy you happiness, but it can buy you a yacht big enough to pull up right alongside it.
Women are great. When they dig you, there’s nothing they won’t do. That kind of loyalty is hard to find – unless you’ve got a good dog.
I’m a family oriented guy; I’ve personally started four or five this year.
Music is like girlfriends to me; I’m continually astonished by the choices other people make.
We’ve all got out self-destructive bad habits, the trick is to find four or five you personally like the best and just do those all the time.