If we assume that man actually does resemble God, then we are forced into the impossible theory that God is a coward, an idiot and a bounder.
Public opinion, in its raw state, gushes out in the immemorial form of the mob’s fear. It is piped into central factories, and there it is flavored and colored, and put into cans.
The fact is that the average man’s love of liberty is nine-tenths imaginary, exactly like his love of sense, justice and truth.
Remorse-Regret that one waited so long to do it.
Liberals have many tails and chase them all.
Of government, at least in democratic states, it may be said briefly that it is an agency engaged wholesale, and as a matter of solemn duty, in the performance of acts which all self-respecting individuals refrain from as a matter of common decency.
Every failure teaches a man something, to wit, that he will probably fail again.
Congress consists of one-third, more or less, scoundrels; two-thirds, more or less, idiots; and three-thirds, more or less, poltroons.
The trouble with Communism is the Communists, just as the trouble with Christianity is the Christians.
Happiness is the china shop; love is the bull.
Creator: A comedian whose audience is afraid to laugh.
One of the most mawkish of human delusions is the notion that friendship should be eternal, or, at all events, life-long, and that any act which puts a term to it is somehow discreditable.
I never lecture, not because I am shy or a bad speaker, but simply because I detest the sort of people who go to lectures and don’t want to meet them.
There are men so philosophical that they can see humor in their own toothaches. But there has never lived a man so philosophical that he could see the toothache in his own humor.
The opera is to music what a bawdy house is to a cathedral.
Religion is a conceited effort to deny the most obvious realities.
The objection to Puritans is not that they try to make us think as they do, but that they try to make us do as they think.
I am suspicious of all the things that the average people believes.
After all, all he did was string together a lot of old, well-known quotations.
Lawyer: one who protects us against robbery by taking away the temptation.