I can’t believe anyone would voluntarily run 26 miles. Sometimes I sit on the couch cross-legged because I don’t feel like walking to the bathroom.
I’m not lazy. I’m simply judicious about excess movement.
Kiss the fattest part of my ass.
Amen,′ I exclaim, accidentally spitting out a Raisinet. I pick up the chocolate with a Kleenex and stuff it in my purse. Ten bucks says a month from now I’ll have forgotten about it and will finally have said heart attack when I assume a rat shat in there.
You know what? We need a recession in this country, because that would finaly weed out al the subnormal, underdeveloped, stupefied, puerile people in this workforce.
No matter how happy anyone is with their choices, I believe it’s human nature to wonder about the path not taken.
I don’t care how happily married you are or how deeply enmeshed you are with your children and family and career – every woman needs a couple of chicks who’ll break out the sangria just because you need to vent.
For the record? I have never been her baby. In fact, I reject the notion of coming out of her body. I prefer to believe I was hatched, or perhaps purchased.
Ambien might have mentally just tossed my salad. WITH CROUTONS.
Point? Maybe you aren’t a Carrie or a Samantha or a Charlotte or a Miranda. Maybe you’re just you.
Maybe I’ve moved to the dark side, but it’s clean and nice and we never run out of toilet paper.
I’ve determined the ideal job for me is one where I can write clever essays about my life and my employer will give me enough money not only to live a comfortable existence, but also to buy many, many new pairs of shoes.
When did the cell phone become a license to be rude? And why must I be subjected to your personal conversations?
I’m very detail oriented. I think that’s why people enjoy my memoirs – because I tend to remember everything.
I never sleep on the plane. I have to be awake and using my mind power to keep it in the air.
You think you’re so cool just because you can walk!
You know what it was like? It was like thinking I was heading to a surprise party and instead it was a surprise pap smear.
This is terrific! What fun! Maybe tomorrow I can go to the prom with my brother. The day after, perhaps I can wear white pants and unexpectedly get my period.
No, it’s not a ‘corpse thing.’ I feel I lack the emotional capacity to deal with those in mourning...