I’m coming on home to you instead cause they’re all too ugly tonight.
A lot of people say Jerry Lee Lewis done wrong, but that has yet to be proven in the eyes of God.
I am right. I’m always right. One time I thought I was wrong, I found out I was right.
You might as well like yourself; just think about all the time you’re gonna have to spend with you.
People say, “How would you like to be remembered?” I don’t want to be remembered. Gimme a break. What I want is to hear what’s great about me now. Let me hear it! In the box you don’t hear these eulogies.
Every man’s dream is to be able to sink into the arms of a woman without also falling into her hands.
I get paid for what most kids get punished for.
Comedy is a man in trouble. And without it, there’s no humor.
A woman doing comedy doesn’t offend me, but sets me back a bit. I, as a viewer, have trouble with it. I think of her as a producing machine that brings babies in the world.
It’ll keep you alive for another 10 years if you get yourself a laugh once a day: either provoke it, or look around in the wildest laboratory in the world, the public.
If I found the cure for dystrophy tomorrow, I would do a telethon in four weeks for acute pain that in this country is a bigger problem than cancer, heart, sickle cell, anemia, name it. It is – it’s hitting 70 million Americans.
The day you’re born, you get the pink slip on YOU. Outright ownership. You must only share that life with those that you and only you choose.
When I hit around 65, 66, I started to feel tremendous worth and incredible personal esteem. I was becoming very cognisant of my contribution to the American spirit of helping your fellow man and all of the good stuff.
The doc told me I had a dual personality. Then he lays an 82 dollar bill on me, so I give him 41 bucks and say, ‘Get the other 41 bucks from the other guy.’
Gambling is part of the human condition. I love it. I have the best time gambling. I’ve been winning fortunes, and I’ve been losing them.
This is the pain pacemaker. I’ve got a battery under my skin. From that battery are two electrodes that go into the spine where they cut bone away to accommodate it. Now I put on the power here. If I have the pain, the stimulator starts. It’s tingling, like when your foot falls asleep, you know?
You may catch more flies with honey than vinegar, but you’ll get them to work harder if you use a flyswatter.
I am probably the most selfish man you will ever meet in your life. No one gets the satisfaction or the joy that I get out of seeing kids realize there is hope.
I turned down ‘Some Like It Hot.’ See how smart I am? I felt I couldn’t bring anything funny to it. The outfit was funny. I don’t need to compete with the wardrobe.
Adrenaline is wonderful. It covers pain. It covers dementia. It covers everything.