It strains a man’s philosophy the worst kind to laugh when he gets beat.
Love is like the measles; we can’t have it bad but once, and the later in life we have it the tougher it goes with us.
The soul has more diseases than the body.
I do not know of a better cure for sorrow than to pity somebody else.
Marrying a woman for her money is very much like setting a rat-trap, and baiting it with your own finger.
Men of genius are like eagles, they live on what they kill, while men of talents are like crows, they live on what has been killed for them.
We mingle in society not so much to meet others as to escape ourselves.
Society is composed of slow Christians and wide-awake sinners.
Silence never makes any blunders.
Never teach your child to be cunning or you may be certain you will be one of the very first victims of his shrewdness.
Man isn’t a fool for his ignorance, but rather for believing things that are wrong.
Doesn’t know much, but leads the league in nostril hair.
Pride seems to be equally distributed; the man who owns the carriage and the man who drives it seem to have it just alike.
I don’t care how much a man talks, if he only says it in a few words.
Suicide is cheating the doctor out of job.
It is a statistical fact that the wicked work harder to reach hell than the righteous do to enter heaven.
The greatest thief this world has ever produced is procrastination, and he is still at large.
To enjoy a good reputation, give publicly, and steal privately.
When you do laugh, open your mouth wide enough for the noise to get out without squealing, throw your head back as though you were going to be shaved, hold on to your false hair with both hands and then laugh till your soul gets thoroughly rested.
It ain’t because lovers are so sensitive that they quarrel so often; it is because there is so much fun n the making up.