When I start feeling shaky I lie down, expecting nothing, and it arrives, washing over me in a wave of black vacancy.
But I began then to think of time as having a shape, something you could see, like a series of liquid transparencies, one laid on top of another. You don’t look back along time but down through it, like water. Sometimes this comes to the surface, sometimes that, sometimes nothing, Nothing goes away.
I’ve come to enjoy the risk, the sensation of vertigo when I realize that I’ve shot right over the border of the socially acceptable, that I’m walking on thin ice, on empty air.
That’s the nice thing about me. I’m very flexible, I’m the universal substitute.” He reached up over her head and turned off the light.
Maybe nothing happened, maybe these emotions I remember are not the right emotions.
In her place I would have just laid down in a ditch and cried myself to death. But Amanda says if there’s something you really want, you can figure out a way to get it. She says being discouraged is a waste of time.
We can’t remember what it is that we’ve forgotten. That we have been made to forget.
When the leaders were older than me I could believe in their wisdom, I could believe they had transcended rage and malice and the need to be loved. Now I know better. I look at the faces in newspapers, in magazines, and wonder: what greeds, what furies drive them on?
There must be a certain freedom in not having a good name to lose.
Some called it Eve’s curse but she thought that was stupid, and the real curse of Eve was having to put up with the nonsense of Adam, who as soon as there was any trouble, blamed it all on her.
Whether this is my end or a new beginning I have no way of knowing: I have given myself over into the hands of strangers, because it can’t be helped.
But once you’ve climbed a ladder, what use is it? You kick it away, if you don’t intend to go down it again.
Why is it that really beautiful people think everyone else in the world exists merely for their amusement?
I’m ashamed of my own reluctance, my lack of desire; but the truth is that I would be terrified to get into bed with a woman. Women collect grievances, hold grudges and change shape. They pass hard, legitimate judgements, unlike the purblind guesses of men, fogged with romanticism and ignorance and bias and wish. I can understand why men are afraid of them, as they are frequently accused of being.
Back to the man’s face. Not a handsome face as such, but a face you could trust. Sort of like a math teacher, or a minister. You can tell he’s sincere, and sincere is better than handsome. Really handsome men were a bad idea, said Grandma Win, because they had too much to choose from. Too much what? Charmaine had asked her, and Grandma Win said, Never mind.
I didn’t let on I knew. It would have been dangerous for him. Also, if a man takes pride in his disguising skills, it would be a foolish wife who would claim to recognise him: it’s always an imprudence to step between a man and the reflection of his own cleverness.
A faithless preacher with a good manner and voice will always convert more than a limp-handed long-faced fool, no matter how Godly.
The brain is very protective, it decides what we choose to remember.
Now young lady,’ he said to me, ‘I’m not going to chastize you personally because I can see you are a nice girl and only the innocent means to this abominable end. But you will be so kind as to give these tracts to your employers. Who can tell but that their hearts may yet be softened? The propagation of drink and of drunkenness to excess is an iniquity, a sin against the Lord.
She said gently that she wished he would talk more about his feelings. He said that if she had his feelings, she wouldn’t want to talk about them either. This intrigued her. She was now more in love with him and more curious than ever.