I’m fat because I’m greedy, and if my mind is fat it’s because I’m curious.
I shall sustain a massive erection, that’s what, and I shan’t be answerable for the consequences. Some kind of ejaculation is almost bound to ensue and if either of you were to become pregnant I should never forgive myself.
When push-off comes to shove-off, a man must have a reason to get out of bed in the mornings, something more than the threat of bedsores, at any rate.
It was behaviour that I thought not far from racism, sexism or any other kind of prejudice or snobbery. ‘Because you are not cute, I do not want to know you’ was, to me, hardly different from suggesting ’because you are gay, I dislike you.
A real education takes place, not in the lecture hall or library, but in the rooms of friends, with earnest frolic and happy disputation.
I’ve never had any illusions about being a lead actor in films, because lead actors have to be of a certain kind.
Cynical is the name we give those we fear may be laughing at us.
Money and fame are trashy and don’t guarantee happiness, but we all refuse really to know it.
In a dung heap, even a plastic bead can gleam like a sapphire.
Christmas to a child is the first terrible proof that to travel hopefully is better than to arrive.
Just as it is the love of money that is the root of all evil, it is the belief in shamefulness that is the root of all misery.
My secret is that I have never thought there is a secret to anything in life. Passion. Love. Drive. Work. Work. Work. Dull but true.
It is easy to forget that the most important aspect of comedy, after all, its great saving grace, is its ambiguity. You can simultaneously laugh at a situation, and take it seriously.
Glory never arrives through the front door. She sneaks in uninvited round the back or through an upstairs window while you are sleeping.
Simon Gray, I decided when I first witnessed this frog into prince transformation, did not have a drinking problem. He had a drinking solution.
I now accept that it is looking increasingly likely that Tiger Woods is, in fact, straight.
Entry is not equivalent to possession.
I’m afraid I don’t believe there is such a thing as blasphemy, just outrage from those insecure in their own faith.
I think faith in each other is much harder than faith in God.
All we have to do is listen. The Good Lord gave us two ears and only one mouth, my dear white-headed mother used to say...