If you chase something too desperately, it eludes you.
I don’t like big feet. It reminds me of gammon.
People regurgitate the same old cliches and it becomes like a photocopy of a photocopy of something that’s vaguely interesting.
If things don’t come easy to you, you have to pull a rabbit out of a hat.
The truth is somewhere in the middle of funny and serious.
A friend of mine once said he like his women like his parmesan: strong smelling and shaved. I don’t agree with that, but I don’t like hairy women.
I’m not Mother Teresa. But I’m not Frank Bough, either. I am getting older and a bit more sensible. I’m not going to be popping up in dungeons every six months. If you catch me preaching fidelity while I am shagging chickens then throw the book at me. Otherwise, leave me alone.
Hacking into a victim of crime’s phone is a sort of poetically elegant manifestation of a modus operandi the tabloids have.
If it was just the potatoes that were affected, at the end of the day you will pay the price if you’re a fussy eater.
The trick is always to write in pairs because if at least two people find it funny, you’ve immediately halved the odds of it not being funny.
I’m just a good Catholic boy – I do naughty things and feel guilty about them.
I don’t like comedy that I think is bad comedy, where people are trying to be sick for the sake of it, where there’s no intellectual point behind it. I like stuff that’s got an underlying point of view.
Going to a grammar school, you mixed with all sorts of different types and I used to listen to how they talked. When I did my imitations, I could sound like someone really rough, or I could sound like a cabinet minister.
I like the fact that people come together who have shared values, but I don’t believe that a man died 2,000 years ago and was crucified on a cross to save me from my original sin.
When you tour you become more intimate with your audience. It’s like I need reassurance that they like me or at least find me relevant. And that I can still do it.
There’s never any graffiti in the hotel. Although in the Gents a couple of weeks ago I did see someone had drawn a lady’s part. Quite detailed. The guy obviously had talent.
In my mind God made Adam and Eve, he didn’t make Adam and Steve.