I’ll never speak to God again.
I am dead to them, even though I once flowered.
I wanted to be where nobody I knew could ever come.
I smile, now, thinking: we all like to think we are important enough to need psychiatrists.
You smile. No, it is not fatal.
What a man wants is a mate and what a woman wants is infinite security,’ and, ‘What a man is is an arrow into the future and a what a woman is is the place the arrow shoots off from.
I started adding up all the things I couldn’t do.
Everything people did seemed so silly, because they only died in the end.
Maybe forgetfulness, like a kind snow, should numb and cover them. But they were a part of me. They were my landscape.
And I am aware of my heart: it opens and closes Its bowl of red blooms out of sheer love of me.
Oh, something is there, waiting for me. Perhaps someday the revelation will burst in upon me and I will see the other side of this monumental grotesque joke. And then I’ll laugh. And then I’ll know what life is.
Now I know what loneliness is, I think. Momentary loneliness, anyway. It comes from a vague core of the self – - like a disease of the blood, dispersed throughout the body so that one cannot locate the matrix, the spot of contagion.
The only reason I remembered this play was because it had a mad person in it, and everything I had ever read about mad people stuck in my mind, while everything else flew out.
I think writers are the most narcissistic people. Well, I musn’t say this, I like many of them, a great many of my friends are writers.
Please don’t expect me to always be good and kind and loving. There are times when I will be cold and thoughtless and hard to understand.
And I a smiling woman. I am only thirty. And like the cat I have nine times to die.
I wanted change and excitement and to shoot off in all directions myself, like the colored arrows from a Fourth of July rocket.
I am still raw. I say I may be back. You know what lies are for. Even in your Zen heaven we shan’t meet.
I love him to hell and back and heaven and back, and have and do and will.
I saw the years of my life spaced along a road in the form of telephone poles threaded together by wires. I counted one, two, three... nineteen telephone poles, and then the wires dangled into space, and try as I would, I couldn’t see a single pole beyond the nineteenth.