My doctor gave me six months to live, but when I couldn’t pay the bill he gave me six months more.
There’s no such thing as ‘too late!’ That’s why they invented death!
I always had one ear offstage, listening for the call from the bookie.
My mother paid eight dollars a month for rent. When she had it. Mostly we were evicted, because she couldnt afford to pay the eight dollars a month.
Why don’t you do the world a favour. Pull your bottom lip up over your head and swallow.
I don’t mind my wife having to last word. In fact I’m delighted when she reaches it.
I have more talent in my smallest fart than you have in your entire body.
It’s very easy to live here. You’re anonymous here. Nobody knows who you are.
The first girl you go to bed with is always pretty.
We’re writing a book together. She just finished one. Did you read it? Among the Porcupines?
I never worked with Marilyn Monroe, but if she’d lived, I think she would have been all right. She would have been President of the United States.
You see, my father was a Catholic priest, Greek Orthodox, but I think he started out as a Jew, then he became a Catholic priest.
I wanted to be a pharmacist. I liked the way our local pharmacist was always dressed in a nice white coat; he looked very calm, you’d give him money, and he’d give you something that you wanted to buy.
To be successful in show business, all you need are 50 good breaks.
Get out of show business. Its the best advice I ever got, because Im so stubborn that if someone would tell me that, I would stay in it to the bitter end.