I think we need some new Christmas carols with a more modern approach. Of course, I wouldn’t abandon the religious theme completely. How about “Holy Christ, the Christmas Tree’s on Fire”? Or “Jesus, can you Believe It’s Christmas Again?” This ought to get the ball rolling; I’m hoping you people will take it from here.

— George Carlin

George Carlin Quotes

These are the kinds of thoughts that made it necessary to separate me from the other kids at school.

— George Carlin

Ladies and gentlemen, we have just begun our gradual descent into the Indianapolis area, a descent similar in many ways to the gradual slide of the United States from a first-class world leader to an aggressive, third-rate debtor nation of overweight slobs, undereducated slob children and aimless elderly people who can’t afford to buy medicine.

— George Carlin

I think we need some new Christmas carols with a more modern approach. Of course, I wouldn’t abandon the religious theme completely. How about “Holy Christ, the Christmas Tree’s on Fire”? Or “Jesus, can you Believe It’s Christmas Again?” This ought to get the ball rolling; I’m hoping you people will take it from here.

— George Carlin

I am sick of hearing about “innocent victims”, there are no “innocent victims”. If you live on this planet you’re guilty. Period, f... you, end of report, next case, next f... ing case.

— George Carlin

I don’t own any stocks or bonds. All my money is tied up in debt.

— George Carlin

If free trade can really turn all these Third World countries into thriving economies full of entrepreneurs and investors, who’s gonna clean the fuckin’ toilets around here?

— George Carlin

There’s also way too much religion in the South to be consistent with good mental health.

— George Carlin

War will end when people stop showing up for it.

— George Carlin

Whenever I hear about parents who have nine or ten children, the only thing I wonder is how they survive the birthday parties.

— George Carlin

I simply go about my passage swiftly and silently, with a certain deliberate, dark efficiency.

— George Carlin

Why don’t the men have “Take Our Sons to the Cat-House Night”?

— George Carlin

Political correctness is fascism pretending to be manners.

— George Carlin

To my way of thinking, there is every bit as much evidence for the existence of UFOs as there is for the existence of God. Probably far more. At least in the case of UFOs there have been countless taped and filmed – and, by the way, unexplained – sightings from all over the world, along with documented radar evidence seen by experienced military and civilian radar operators.

— George Carlin

One time he was so hungover he had to consult a cottage cheese carton to determine the approximate date.

— George Carlin

The only difference between lilies and turds is whatever difference humans have agreed upon; and I don’t always agree.

— George Carlin

When fascism comes to America, it will not be in brown and black shirts. It will not be with jack-boots. It will be Nike sneakers and Smiley shirts...

— George Carlin

In Baltimore it’s 6:42!

— George Carlin

They give you a colouring book and some crayons, and tell you, be creative... but don’t go outside the lines.

— George Carlin

I don’t want something that’s good for headaches. I want something that’s bad for headaches. And good for me.

— George Carlin

I dislike and despise groups of people, but I love individuals. Every person you look at, you can see the universe in their eyes, if you’re really looking...

— George Carlin
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