I call him Governor Bush because that’s the only political office he’s ever held legally in this country. I don’t care where they hang his portrait, I don’t care how big his library is. To me, he’ll always be Governor Bush. I don’t even capitalize his name when I type it anymore.

— George Carlin
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George Carlin Quotes

If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.

— George Carlin
Sarcastic Hilarious Funny About Life Funny Wednesday

Tell people there’s an invisible man in the sky who created the universe, and the vast majority will believe you. Tell them the paint is wet, and they have to touch it to be sure.

— George Carlin
Sarcastic Crazy About Reality Funny About Life

Cancer research is a growth industry.

— George Carlin

No, there’s no God, but there might be some sort of an organizing intelligence, and I think to understand it is way beyond our ability. It’s certainly not a judgmental entity. It’s certainly not paternalistic and all these qualities that have been attributed to God.

— George Carlin

There are ten thousand people in the United States in a persistent vegetative state. Just enough to start a small town. Think of them as veggie-burghers.

— George Carlin

If no one knows when a person is going to die, how can we say he died prematurely?

— George Carlin

A cat will blink when struck with a hammer.

— George Carlin

I love and treasure individuals as I meet them, I loath and despise the groups they identify or belong to.

— George Carlin

Baseball is the only major sport that appears backwards in a mirror.

— George Carlin

I used to be Irish Catholic. Now I’m an American – you know, you grow.

— George Carlin

You can’t fight City Hall, but you can goddamn sure blow it up.

— George Carlin

You’re all going to die. I hate to remind you, but it is on your schedule. It probably won’t happen when you’d like; generally, it’s an inconvenience.

— George Carlin

Why do they bother with a suicide watch when someone is on death row? “Keep an eye on this guy. We’re gonna kill him, and we don’t want him to hurt himself.”

— George Carlin

I never worry that all hell will break loose. My concern is that only part of hell will break loose and be much harder to detect.

— George Carlin

Eventually, alas, I realized the main purpose of buying cocaine is to run out of it.

— George Carlin

As you swim the river of live, do the breast stroke. It helps to clear the turds from your path.

— George Carlin

I had no shoes, and I felt sorry for myself until I met a man who had no feet. I took his shoes. Now I feel better.

— George Carlin

Soft rock music isn’t rock, and it ain’t music. It’s just soft. Reminds me of something my third-grade teacher said to us. She said, “You show me a tropical fruit and I’ll show you a cocksucker from Guatemala.”

— George Carlin

No one knows what’s next, but everybody does it.

— George Carlin

As a matter of principle, I never attend the first annual anything.

— George Carlin
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