Without the laughs, the audience wouldn’t be there at all, so in that sense, yes, I am a comedian.
Ladies and gentlemen, we have just begun our gradual descent into the Indianapolis area, a descent similar in many ways to the gradual slide of the United States from a first-class world leader to an aggressive, third-rate debtor nation of overweight slobs, undereducated slob children and aimless elderly people who can’t afford to buy medicine.
I think we need some new Christmas carols with a more modern approach. Of course, I wouldn’t abandon the religious theme completely. How about “Holy Christ, the Christmas Tree’s on Fire”? Or “Jesus, can you Believe It’s Christmas Again?” This ought to get the ball rolling; I’m hoping you people will take it from here.
I am sick of hearing about “innocent victims”, there are no “innocent victims”. If you live on this planet you’re guilty. Period, f... you, end of report, next case, next f... ing case.
I don’t own any stocks or bonds. All my money is tied up in debt.
If free trade can really turn all these Third World countries into thriving economies full of entrepreneurs and investors, who’s gonna clean the fuckin’ toilets around here?
There’s also way too much religion in the South to be consistent with good mental health.
War will end when people stop showing up for it.
Whenever I hear about parents who have nine or ten children, the only thing I wonder is how they survive the birthday parties.
I simply go about my passage swiftly and silently, with a certain deliberate, dark efficiency.
Why don’t the men have “Take Our Sons to the Cat-House Night”?
Political correctness is fascism pretending to be manners.
To my way of thinking, there is every bit as much evidence for the existence of UFOs as there is for the existence of God. Probably far more. At least in the case of UFOs there have been countless taped and filmed – and, by the way, unexplained – sightings from all over the world, along with documented radar evidence seen by experienced military and civilian radar operators.
One time he was so hungover he had to consult a cottage cheese carton to determine the approximate date.
The only difference between lilies and turds is whatever difference humans have agreed upon; and I don’t always agree.
When fascism comes to America, it will not be in brown and black shirts. It will not be with jack-boots. It will be Nike sneakers and Smiley shirts...
In Baltimore it’s 6:42!
They give you a colouring book and some crayons, and tell you, be creative... but don’t go outside the lines.
I don’t want something that’s good for headaches. I want something that’s bad for headaches. And good for me.
I dislike and despise groups of people, but I love individuals. Every person you look at, you can see the universe in their eyes, if you’re really looking...
Rights aren’t really rights if someone can take them away.