How long do you think it will take them to get a transport here?” I asked. “Are you kidding?” Dad said. “If they didn’t send for one the second I was done talking to them, I’ll eat my hat.” “You don’t wear a hat,” I said. “I will buy a hat and eat it, then,” Dad said.

— John Scalzi

John Scalzi Quotes

I saw the light go out in her eyes, but I kept telling her how much I loved her until they took her away from me at the hospital.” “Why did you do that?” Jane asked. “I needed to be sure that the last thing she heard was me telling her how much I loved her,” I said.

— John Scalzi

I tried being a vegan for a while, but I couldn’t live without cheese.” “They have vegan cheese.” “No, they don’t. They have shredded orange and white sadness that mocks cheese and everything it stands for.

— John Scalzi

That thing looks like H. P. Lovecraft’s panic attack.

— John Scalzi

It was stupidly perfect how all my problems were suddenly solved with the strategic application of money.

— John Scalzi

Well, aren’t you a massive prick,” I said, quietly, under the roar of the helicopter. “What?” Sanders asked. “I said, ‘That’s a nifty trick.

— John Scalzi

You have no idea how difficult it was for me to not say, ‘Welcome to Jurassic Park!’ to all of you just now.

— John Scalzi

It’s okay if we turned entire cities full of people into nuclear ash, but the idea of monsters having a nibble afterward was just too much.

— John Scalzi

It was a very cozy meeting. In addition to my role as visitor liaison, I was also, once again, supervising snacks.

— John Scalzi

You seem tense,” Kahurangi said to them. “Of course I’m tense,” Niamh snapped back. “We have a stupid plan.” “You’re just saying this because it’s my plan.” “I’m not just saying it because it’s your plan, and also, yes.

— John Scalzi

The last Gold Team geologist decided to retire after we basically had to reattach a limb. For a second time.” “Oh.” “Well, that’s not completely accurate. It wasn’t the same limb twice. They were different limbs.

— John Scalzi

It’s not the trees, you dense argumentative spoon.

— John Scalzi

Firebomb the place,” Laertes said, from the room he and Brent shared, where he was playing a video game. “No one’s firebombing anything,” Brent yelled back to Laertes. “Yet,” Laertes replied. “You can’t firebomb your way out of every problem,” Brent said. “You can’t,” Laertes called back.

— John Scalzi

KPS is not, and I say this with absolutely no slight intended, a brooding symphony of a novel. It’s a pop song. It’s meant to be light and catchy, with three minutes of hooks and choruses for you to sing along with, and then you’re done and you go on with your day, hopefully with a smile on your face. I had fun writing this, and I needed to have fun writing this. We all need a pop song from time to time, particularly after a stretch of darkness.

— John Scalzi

Sometimes I don’t know if my life is complicated, or if it’s that I just think too much about things.

— John Scalzi

Bennett was silent for a minute, considering. “Offering to actually help me,” he said. “No one’s tried that tactic before. Very sneaky.” “We try,” I said.

— John Scalzi

There aren’t a lot of people who can carry off petty,” I said. “Yet somehow you do.

— John Scalzi

So we’re the monster police, too,” I said to Tom. “Correct,” he replied. “The only real question is, who are the monsters?

— John Scalzi

The only real question is, who are the monsters?” “They ask that question in every monster movie, you know. It’s an actual trope.” “I know,” Tom said. “What does it say about us that it’s relevant every single time they ask it?

— John Scalzi

How long do you think it will take them to get a transport here?” I asked. “Are you kidding?” Dad said. “If they didn’t send for one the second I was done talking to them, I’ll eat my hat.” “You don’t wear a hat,” I said. “I will buy a hat and eat it, then,” Dad said.

— John Scalzi

Angrily consume your bacon on the toilet, is my advice.

— John Scalzi

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