Stand-up is the place where you can do things that you could never do in public.
You will have bad times, but they will always wake you up to the stuff you weren't paying attention to.
No matter what anybody tells you, words and ideas can change the world.
Seize the day. Because, believe it or not, each and every one of us in this room is one day going to stop breathing, turn cold, and die.
If you listen real close, you can hear them whisper their legacy to you. Go on, lean in. Listen, you hear it? Carpe diem, seize the day boys, make your lives extraordinary.
Divorce is expensive. I used to joke they were going to call it ‘all the money,’ but they changed it to ‘alimony.’ It’s ripping your heart out through your wallet.
If you can remember the sixties, you weren’t there.
His golf bag does not contain a full set of irons.
Just now when I said, “I have a crush on you,” you didn’t say, “no way loser”. I’d rather have a lobotomy by a leper. That means something.
We get to choose who we let in to our weird little worlds.
All it takes is a beautiful fake smile to hide an injured soul.
I was just in Australia... If Darwin had landed there he’d have gone “I’m Wrong.
Once you can name something, you’re conscious of it. You have power over it. You’re in control. You own it.
If these pictures have anything important to say to future generations, it’s this... I was here! I existed! I was young, I was happy, and someone cared enough about me in this world... to take my picture.
An alcoholic is someone who can violate his standards faster than he can lower them.
You can do anything you want. You are bound by nothing.
Carpe Diem, every day!
Carpe Diem! Make your lives extraordinary.
I don’t know how much value I have in this universe, but I do know that I’ve made a few people happier than they would have been without me, and as long as I know that, I’m as rich as I ever need to be.
You can fool some of the people some of the time and the rest you can jerk off.
I’m the Starbucks poster child.