Stand-up is the place where you can do things that you could never do in public.
You will have bad times, but they will always wake you up to the stuff you weren't paying attention to.
No matter what anybody tells you, words and ideas can change the world.
Seize the day. Because, believe it or not, each and every one of us in this room is one day going to stop breathing, turn cold, and die.
If you listen real close, you can hear them whisper their legacy to you. Go on, lean in. Listen, you hear it? Carpe diem, seize the day boys, make your lives extraordinary.
My God, look at the size of this man! Quick! Tell the other villagers we’re going back to the boats!
Freud: If it’s not one thing, it’s your mother.
Montovani? They play Montovani to insomniacs that don’t respond to strong drugs.
My religious background is that my mother is a Christian Dior Scientist.
Mr. Keating: Carpe Diem! Seize the day!
The human spirit is more powerful than any drug and THAT is what needs to be nourished: with work, play, friendship, family. THESE are the things that matter.
Crying never helped anybody do anything, okay? You have a problem you face it like a man.
The only weapon we have is comedy.
I’m a very tolerant man, except when it comes to holding a grudge.
When you have a great audience, you can just keep going and finding new things.
You have this idea that you’d better keep working otherwise people will forget. And that was dangerous. And then you realize, no, actually if you take a break people might be more interested in you.
It’s that idea that you can have one drink – and no you can’t. Within a week I was drinking heavily. It was so quick that even I was like, ‘Wow.’
Divorce is expensive. I used to joke they were going to call it ‘all the money,’ but they changed it to ‘alimony.’ It’s ripping your heart out through your wallet.
If you can remember the sixties, you weren’t there.
His golf bag does not contain a full set of irons.
Just now when I said, “I have a crush on you,” you didn’t say, “no way loser”. I’d rather have a lobotomy by a leper. That means something.