I never dreamed I would receive the Mark Twain Prize for American Humor, mostly because my style is so typically Austrian.
In most cases being a good boss means hiring talented people and then getting out of their way.
Just say yes and you’ll figure it out afterwards.
It was reported that the New York Knicks have won all 12 of the home games attended by magician David Blaine. A spokesman for the Knicks said, ‘if this is what it takes to win, it’s not worth it.’
A recent study announced that 52 per cent of all teens who sign virginity pledges recant them within twelve months. If I’m on my game.
There is no one of-woman-born who does not like Red Lobster cheddar biscuits. Anyone who claims otherwise is a liar and a Socialist.
You have to try your hardest to be at the top of your game and improve every joke you can until the last possible second, and then you have to let it go.
I had my hair in a ponytail and looked my trademark exhausted.
President Bush gave a rousing speech to the United Nations General Assembly. Afterward, in a touching show of support, every foreign dignitary shook hands with the president and smiled warmly as he mispronounced their names.
Saudi Arabian police arrested seven teenage boys for leering at women. In accordance with Saudi law, the boys will be whipped and the women will be stoned to death.
Either way, everything will be fine. But if you have an opinion, please feel free to offer it to me through the gap in the door of a public restroom. Everyone else does.
I keep my eyes on the sea, waiting to be rocketed into it on a wave of fire. I’ll be ready for it to happen and that way it won’t happen. It’s a burden, being able to control situations with my hyper-vigilance, but its my lot in life.
The topic of working moms is a tap-dance recital in a minefield.
You’ve got to experience failure to understand that you can survive it.
It’s harder to make something good when you can’t curse all the time.
If you are capable people are happy to play with you.
To me YES, AND means don’t be afraid to contribute. Always make sure you’re adding something to the discussion. Your initiations are worthwhile.
In my experience, the hardest thing about having someone “come out” to you is the “pretending to be surprised” part.
If everyone had a dad like mine, no one would have sex tapes.
When a man plays a woman in a dress, you’re halfway there. It’s inherently funny. When a woman plays a man, for whatever reason, it’s not that instant kind of funny.
No other formula gives your baby a better start in life except that stuff that comes out of you for free.