Whenever you see me, I’m on antique quaaludes.
Sometimes the teachers would ask her to translate bad news. “Please tell Mrs. Fondulas that her son is very disruptive.” And my mom would nod and say in Greek, “George is a lovely boy.” Because she knew if she really translated that, the kid would get a beating and the mother would hate her forever out of embarrassment.
Sometimes they ask if you want to hook up your iPod for background music. Do not do this. It’s a trap. They’ll put it on shuffle, and no matter how much Beastie Boys or Velvet Underground you have on there, the following four tracks will play in a row; “We’d Like to Thank You Herbert Hoover” from Annie, “Hold On” by Wilson Phillips, “That’s What Friends Are For, Various Artists, and “We’d Like to Thank You Herbert Hoover” from Annie.
The rules of improvisation appealed to me not only as a way of creating comedy, but as a worldview. Studying improvisation literally changed my life. It set me on a career path toward Saturday Night Live. It changed the way I look at the world, and it’s where I met my husband. What has your cult done for you lately?
Again, don’t waste your energy trying to educate or change opinions, go over, under, through.
Some photographers are compulsively effusive. “Beautiful. Amazing. Gorgeous! Ugh, so gorgeous!” they yell at shutter speed. If you are anything less than insane, you will realize this is not sincere. It’s hard to take because it’s more positive feedback than you’ve received in your entire life thrown at you in fifteen seconds.
Q: Is 30 Rock the most racist show on television? A: No, in my opinion it’s NFL football. Why do they portray all those guys as murderers and rapists?
It would be a great exercise for someone thinks they want to move to New York: Sit in an enclosed space full of fumes and hold hands with a stranger for twenty minutes while everyone around you speaks a language you don’t understand, If you enjoy this, you will enjoy the 6 train.
We should strive to make our society more like Summer Showtime: Mostly a meritocracy, despite some vicious backstabbing. Everyone gets a spot in the chorus. Bring white shorts from home.
This is your dad, huh?” What are they realizing? I wonder. That they’d better never mess with me, or Don Fey will yell at them? That I have high expectations for the men in my life because I have a strong father figure?
My husband doesn’t like to fly. He does fly now because he doesn’t want our daughter to grow up thinking he is a Don Knotts character. But when we were first married, he didn’t fly.
Ever since I became an executive producer of 30 Rock, people have asked me, ‘Is it hard for you, being the boss?’ And, ‘Is it uncomfortable for you to be the person in charge?’ You know, in that same way they say, ‘Gosh, Mr. Trump, is it awkward for you to be the boss of all these people?
We all mentally prepare ourselves for wrinkles, but wrinkles are not the problem. It’s the unexpected grosseries.
Someone should do a study of the human brain and how quickly it can adjust to luxury.
Do I think Photoshop is being used excessively? Yes. I saw Madonna’s Louis Vuitton ad and honestly, at first glance, I thought it was Gwen Stefani’s baby.
Perhaps you’re a parent and you bought this book to learn how to raise an achievement-oriented, drug-free adult virgin... The essential ingredients, I can tell you up front, are a strong father figure, bad skin, and a child-sized colonial-lady outfit.
Two peanuts were walking down the street, and one was a salted.
The way down from Old Rag is a forest road. We found a stream in the woods and finally got a drink of water. We scooped it up with our hands and it was the greatest, most satisfying drink of water I ever had in my life.
Also, don’t be afraid to make them get your hair, makeup, and lighting right. It’s not vanity, because if you look weird, it will distract from what you’re trying to do. If you look as good as you can, people will be able to pay attention to what you’re actually saying.
It is a testament to my parents that they never reacted negatively to the four-year-long pride parade that marched through their house.
My girl Marlene can talk to anyone. She could talk to a Frankenstein about neck bolts.