I was in love with a beautiful blonde once. She drove me to drink. That’s the one thing I’m indebted to her for.
You can’t trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it.
Anyone who hates children and animals can’t be all bad.
Women are like elephants. I like to look at ’em, but I wouldn’t want to own one.
When we have lost everything, including hope, life becomes a disgrace, and death a duty.
I always made up my own acts; built them out of my knowledge and observation of real life. I’d had wonderful opportunities to study people; and every time I went out on the stage I tried to show the audience some bit of true human nature.
When doctors and undertakers meet, they wink at each other.
The nation needs to return to the colonial way of life, when a wife was judged by the amount of wood she could split.
I’ve been drunk only once in my life. But that lasted for twenty-three years.
Some people are born losers; others acquire the knack gradually.
Where there is a will, there’s prosperity around the corner.
Here is my best advice on the matter of deductibles: just count off on your fingers all the items that you suspect might be deductible – and then forget them, because they aren’t.
Happiness means quiet nerves.
I used to be indecisive, now I’m not so sure.
It was a marriage of convenience, as my father had a blister on his big toe and couldn’t travel far to find a girl.
Alcoholic: anybody who drinks more than I do.
Marriage is better than leprosy only because it’s easier to get rid of.
I never eat before breakfast.
I never smoked a cigar in my life until I was nine.
All things considered, I’d rather be in Philadelphia.
Beds are dangerous. More people die in bed than anywhere else.