When doctors and undertakers meet, they wink at each other.
You can’t trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it.
Anyone who hates children and animals can’t be all bad.
Women are like elephants. I like to look at ’em, but I wouldn’t want to own one.
When we have lost everything, including hope, life becomes a disgrace, and death a duty.
I always made up my own acts; built them out of my knowledge and observation of real life. I’d had wonderful opportunities to study people; and every time I went out on the stage I tried to show the audience some bit of true human nature.
The nation needs to return to the colonial way of life, when a wife was judged by the amount of wood she could split.
I’ve been drunk only once in my life. But that lasted for twenty-three years.
Some people are born losers; others acquire the knack gradually.
Where there is a will, there’s prosperity around the corner.
Here is my best advice on the matter of deductibles: just count off on your fingers all the items that you suspect might be deductible – and then forget them, because they aren’t.
Happiness means quiet nerves.
I used to be indecisive, now I’m not so sure.
It was a marriage of convenience, as my father had a blister on his big toe and couldn’t travel far to find a girl.
Alcoholic: anybody who drinks more than I do.
Marriage is better than leprosy only because it’s easier to get rid of.
I never eat before breakfast.
I never smoked a cigar in my life until I was nine.
All things considered, I’d rather be in Philadelphia.
Beds are dangerous. More people die in bed than anywhere else.