My kids scotch tape worms to the sidewalk and watch the birds get hernias.
Boy what a hotel that was, why they stole my towel.
Last Halloween a kid tried to rip my face off. He thought it was a mask. Now it’s different when I open the door the kids hand me candy.
I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.
When I was a kid I got no respect. I played hide-and-seek. They wouldn’t even look for me.
I went to a gay bar, they wanted proof of sex so I showed them, they said it wasn’t enough.
What a childhood I had. My parents sent me to a child psychiatrist. The kid didn’t help me at all.
My only thrill is self inflicted hickies.
I once went out with this girl, she was no bargain either, she showed up with pigtails under her arms.
My wife is so fat that when she lays on the beach the people feel sorry for her and try to roll her back into the water.
I don’t get no respect. I called Suicide Prevention. They tried to talk me into it.
It was the same thing in the army, no respect. They gave me a uniform that glowed in the dark.
It’s great to have gray hair. Ask anyone who’s bald.
At my age I’m envious of a stiff wind.
I’m at an age where I think more about food than I do about sex. Last week I put a mirror over my dining room table.
Everyone gets their rough day. No one gets a free ride. Today so far, I had a good day. I got a dial tone.
If I could have dinner with anyone who lived in history, it would depend on the restaurant.
My wife she’s fat. Why, if she lost a few pounds, she’d be perfectly round.
For two hours, some guy followed me around with a pooper scooper.
Marriage... it’s not a word, it’s a sentence.
I mean, I’m not a kid anymore. I could go tomorrow. And I hope I go tomorrow. I haven’t gone today yet.