My wife is so fat that when she lays on the beach the people feel sorry for her and try to roll her back into the water.
I asked my wife if she enjoys a cigarette after sex and she said “No, one drag is enough”.
Hey everybody, we’re all gonna get laid!
Boy what a hotel that was, why they stole my towel.
Last Halloween a kid tried to rip my face off. He thought it was a mask. Now it’s different when I open the door the kids hand me candy.
I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.
When I was a kid I got no respect. I played hide-and-seek. They wouldn’t even look for me.
I went to a gay bar, they wanted proof of sex so I showed them, they said it wasn’t enough.
What a childhood I had. My parents sent me to a child psychiatrist. The kid didn’t help me at all.
My only thrill is self inflicted hickies.
I once went out with this girl, she was no bargain either, she showed up with pigtails under her arms.
I don’t get no respect. I called Suicide Prevention. They tried to talk me into it.
It was the same thing in the army, no respect. They gave me a uniform that glowed in the dark.
It’s great to have gray hair. Ask anyone who’s bald.
At my age I’m envious of a stiff wind.
I’m at an age where I think more about food than I do about sex. Last week I put a mirror over my dining room table.
Everyone gets their rough day. No one gets a free ride. Today so far, I had a good day. I got a dial tone.
If I could have dinner with anyone who lived in history, it would depend on the restaurant.
My wife she’s fat. Why, if she lost a few pounds, she’d be perfectly round.
For two hours, some guy followed me around with a pooper scooper.