Who’s judging American Idol? Paula Abdul? Paula Abdul judging a singing contest is like Christopher Reeve judging a dance contest!
Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.
Stand-up is the only career like that where once you get really big at it, people kind of encourage you not to do it.
Carol Leifer is funny, really funny.
Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.
I always say there’s no more little girls, just boys with breasts. Girls act like boys nowadays. Teenage girls, they go after boys. They’re predatory just like boys. My goal is to keep my girls, girls.
Music is the soundtrack to the crappy movie that is my life.
America is the only place where people go hunting on a full stomach.
It’s my real name. My mother’s name is Rose Rock. It was the worst name as a kid to have. They called me Piece of the Rock, Plymouth Rock, Joe Rockid, and Flintstones. Now they call me Mister Rock.
Before I was a comedian, I thought the coolest thing that would happen to me was to be a teenager. Boy, was I wrong.
I’ll probably pay more attention to the musicians in the pit than the stars because they’re the closest you’re going to get to normal people in the audience.
People basically aren’t that racist. They want their laughs. If I make a white guy laugh, he’s gonna come see me. He’s not gonna go see the white guy who doesn’t make him laugh just because that guy is white.
Stop the violence! Can’t we all just get along?
When you’ve been on a ghetto diet your entire life, you’re just happy to get a large soda instead of a medium.
I can see the humor in just about any situation. After I lost my dad, I realized that none of us should take things too seriously, because everything except death works itself out.
Does having a wife and kids change your act? Yes, but only in the best way. It gives you weight and authority. It also makes you closer to the audience because the audience is married and has kids.
There’s a difference between racism and “I don’t know any better. I’m clueless.” Racism is like, “I’m trying to make you feel bad.” That’s racism.
Learn how to cook. Read books that will educate you. Get an education. Get a career. And support yourself. And live in a section of town that isn’t conducive to violence.
I see guys who can’t make 10 percent of what I make, and yet they have four Bentleys, three houses, and four bodyguards.
If you live below your means, you can turn down stuff all the time.
My mother always says: “You know better, so you’ll be punished. Your friends don’t know better, so they won’t be punished. They can go snatch chains and they’ll be fine. But if you snatch chains, you’ll end up in jail because you know better.”