When Jack Benny has a party, you not only bring your own scotch, you bring your own rocks.
It’s better to be happy doing something you love, even if you don’t find success right away.
Tennis is a young man’s game. Until you’re 25, you can play singles. From 25 to 35, you should play doubles. I won’t tell you exactly how old I am, but when I played, there were 28 men on the court – just on my side of the net.
From Paris we took the Orient Express to Vienna. I must say I was terribly disappointed; nobody was murdered on the train.
None of us kids had a middle name. We were lucky we had any name at all. By the time my mother got around to naming one, there was another on the way.
Much later in life, though, Gracie made a major contribution to the opera world. She stayed out of it.
Sex is the Universal Language in which nobody speaks; they don’t have to.
Sex has been around for a long time. You may not believe this, but it was around before I was.
Since I’ve made it to 87 so far, obviously my two kids and my seven grandchildren haven’t been too hard on me. On the other hand, the fact that I have an unlisted phone number and move a lot might have something to do with it.
She didn’t need to go to acting school to learn that the essence of acting is to act like you’re not acting.
Sex can be fun after eighty, after ninety, and after lunch!
When I’m in front of an audience, all that love and vitality sweeps over me and I forget my age.
My best advice: Fall in love with what you do for a living.
Old age is when you resent the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated because there are fewer articles to read.
If I get big laughs, I’m a comedian. If I get little laughs, I’m a humorist. If I get no laughs, I’m a singer.
How can I die? I’m booked.
I get a standing ovation just standing.
A married couple that plays cards together is just a fight that hasn’t started yet.
I would read Playboy more often, but my glasses keep steaming up.
How did I ever get sick? I’ve already had everything.
I don’t have a drinking problem. I drink. I get drunk. I fall down, no problem.