If I get big laughs, I’m a comedian. If I get little laughs, I’m a humorist. If I get no laughs, I’m a singer.
None of us kids had a middle name. We were lucky we had any name at all. By the time my mother got around to naming one, there was another on the way.
Much later in life, though, Gracie made a major contribution to the opera world. She stayed out of it.
Sex is the Universal Language in which nobody speaks; they don’t have to.
Sex has been around for a long time. You may not believe this, but it was around before I was.
Since I’ve made it to 87 so far, obviously my two kids and my seven grandchildren haven’t been too hard on me. On the other hand, the fact that I have an unlisted phone number and move a lot might have something to do with it.
She didn’t need to go to acting school to learn that the essence of acting is to act like you’re not acting.
Sex can be fun after eighty, after ninety, and after lunch!
When I’m in front of an audience, all that love and vitality sweeps over me and I forget my age.
My best advice: Fall in love with what you do for a living.
Old age is when you resent the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated because there are fewer articles to read.
How can I die? I’m booked.
I get a standing ovation just standing.
A married couple that plays cards together is just a fight that hasn’t started yet.
I would read Playboy more often, but my glasses keep steaming up.
How did I ever get sick? I’ve already had everything.
I don’t have a drinking problem. I drink. I get drunk. I fall down, no problem.
Money is the root of all evil.′ Then we hear, ‘A fool and his money are soon parted.’ What are they talking about? If money is so evil, shouldn’t it be, ‘A wise man and his money are soon parted’? And another thing, how does a fool get money in the first place? I know some fools who have a lot of money, but they won’t tell me how they got it, and I won’t tell them.
The key to success is sincerity. If you can fake that you’ve got it made.
The Pope’s entrance was stunning. Maybe the Catholics know about miracles, and maybe they know about saints, but they’ve never received enough credit for what they know about show business.