If I have a near-beer, I’m near beer. And if I’m near beer, I’m close to tequila. And if I’m close to tequila, I’m adjacent to cocaine.
I think comedy comes more from a low sense of self-esteem, and I certainly have that.
I think sometimes that people think brave means not being afraid, which of course it doesn’t mean that at all. It means that you’re afraid, but you move past that and do it anyway, do what you think is right.
I realized women and humor were linked very closely.
I don’t know now if I’m funny. I just keep talking and hope that I hit something that’s funny.
I don’t get emails from my corporate overlords.
I dropped out of high school when I was 16, after I had a huge argument with my English teacher over the meaning of the word ‘existentialism.’
I do a public access show with puppets. Puppets called actors, TV and movie stars.
It is Veterans Day, when we honor everyone who served in all of the campaigns. We honor them with dignity and respect, and of course mattress sales and tire discounts.
From this moment on I’d dedicate my life to rock and roll and take as many drugs as possible. What could possibly go wrong?
Change is the law of God’s mind and resistance to it is the source of all pain.
Remember the band, Flock of Seagulls? They had their van stolen. I was like, They still have a van?
Harry Potter, he sends a message on Owl Mail while us poor old muggles have to make do with instantaneous emails and texting. Oh, if only we could be like you Harry Potter, with your four day owl delivery!
That’s why I believe in a Constitution which separates church from state. I’ve seen what happens when they get in cahoots.
I’ve started looking at my own father a bit funny. He assures me, though, that I really am the son of a Scottish postman.
I’ve got young kids, so it suits me to do a job which keeps me in town right now.
I think I’m just someone that just tries to get by. I’m kind of – if it was during the Second World War, I’d be a black marketeer, I think.
I hope what I do has an art to it, and as an artist you have to try new things and keep yourself entertained.
I have to do a show which is of interest to me, or else I’m lost.
I have no ambitions beyond being comfortable in what I do for a living – and earning a living.
It is a great day for the great state of Texas. The last person being tested for Ebola has come back clean. So Texas is now Ebola free. This was a big week for them. They’re now free of Ebola – and Democrats.