Every dude in here has had a fantasy about Jessica Simpson. Here’s mine: Jessica, hold your sister Ashlee so I can kick her in the throat.
I like doing stand-up and I love putting out TV specials.
I don’t think I’m a star or a celebrity or any thing like that.
I watch the Discovery Channel, and you know what I’ve discovered? I need a girlfriend.
I love Fear Factor, but I think they’re running out of fears. It’s only a matter of time before they’re sitting around doing shots of Hepatitis C.
Pre-mature ejaculation. Let’s talk about it. Pre-mature ejaculation. That’s a pretty fancy term for, Ooooooh Oh no. This has never happened before.
Everyone was laughin’. Even that deaf mute boy was breathing heavy and pointing at me. Which is laughter to their kind.
I have an imagination because my life is so boring that my imagination lets me get off the reality of what’s going on.
I have no grand scheme.
I’m a joke comic. I tell jokes. I like writing a joke, and I like when a joke works, and I like other comics who tell jokes.
I never wanted to be famous.
A joke is a joke, and people put too much meaning behind it. They react to it in the wrong way. I mean, you can boo or laugh, and that’s pretty much what you’re supposed to do with jokes. You’re not supposed to take it any further than that.
I get recognized, but I’m not really a famous famous.
I’m not the comic of the generation, I’m not even the funniest guy in my family.
I have soundtracks for a lot of stuff.
For me, Molly Hatchet is high school. It makes me feel like I have hair and a future.
I don’t mind a crowd’s not laughing; it’s the groans that slow down the show.
Once you get offstage you’re just like everyone else, and everyone else can get into a fight.
For a long time the people at my shows were sort of the Pantera-tattoo trucker guys, really cool dudes, but I don’t know what happened to them. That’s the crowd that I like, the ones that don’t get so offended just to be offended.
I keep getting these people at my shows who only know me from television. I can always tell when they’re, like, emotionally flinching when I start doing my jokes.
I like doing stand-up and I love putting out TV specials. I’m not an actor though, so I don’t really have much choice in the matter.