The doctors couldn’t find anything wrong with me except that I have a slight stomach pain. Wait till I get my hospital bill! Then I’ll really have a pain the stomach!
A scout troop consists of twelve little kids dressed like schmucks following a big schmuck dressed like a kid.
I must be cheaper now than I was ten years ago in order to get a laugh. It’s not funny now if I leave the table and give the waiter a nickel tip, which was a laugh years ago. Today I must maneuver it so that somehow I get the waiter to give me a nickel tip.
I’m an old newspaper-man myself, but I quit because I found there was no money in old newspapers.
When another comedian has a lousy show, I’m the first one to admit it.
There’s only five real people in Hollywood. Everyone else is Mel Blanc.
I believe in being honest with myself. If there’s one thing I hate it’s when a comedian is great and won’t admit it. I’ve never met one like that, but if I did, I’d hate them.
I was born in Waukegan a long, long time ago. As a matter of fact, our rabbi was an Indian.
I began my show business career playing violin in San Francisco at the corner of Market and Taylor. I understand that there is a theater there now.
I’m happy to be making my first appearance on air professionally. By that I mean I’m finally getting paid, which I know will be a great relief to my creditors.
Any man who would walk five miles through the snow, barefoot, just to return a library book so he could save three cents – that’s my kind of guy.
I was going to buy my girl a Packard car for Christmas, but it took too long to deliver, so I bought her some handkerchiefs.
When you talk about the world’s greatest entertainer you have to say Al Jolson because there was no one like him. Only Judy Garland and perhaps Frank Sinatra got anywhere near him!
As you may or may not know, in keeping with the high-class tone of Beverly Hills, our police force is probably the most snobbish group of gendarmes in the world. It is said that the Beverly Hills Police Department is so fancy that it has an unlisted number.
I’m living in a very modest place. I have a room over-looking beautiful Claridge’s Hotel. I thought it was better than paying Claridge’s prices and overlooking the dump I’m living in.
Try to save something while your salary is small; it’s impossible to save after you begin to earn more.
Bill Paley is not only the greatest boss I ever had, but he’s the most brilliant, honest and warm human being I’ve ever met. And I’ll say that to his face – even if it costs me my job.
No matter how often I tell people I’m thirty-nine some of them refuse to believe I’m that old.
The only way I’ll ever get hurt in the casino is if there’s an earthquake and a slot machine falls on my foot.
Try saving when your salary is low. So after making more money, you will not be able to do this anywhere.