I loved the old stories in National Lampoon, like the original story the movie Vacation was based on. I used to laugh at them until I cried.
Every election I have to hold my nose to vote.
In any other job, they’re truck drivers. In show-biz, they’re Transportation Captains.
What right does a politician have to tell me what I can and cannot watch? Change the channel if you don’t like what’s on TV!
When asked if he enjoys being famous: Sometimes I like it, sometimes I don’t. I’ve always been a people watcher. I like to go to malls and just sit, and I can’t do that very easily anymore.
Being a celebrity you always get really good seats to sporting events but you never get as good seats as the photographers get. And I really love sports. So one of the scams I have going now is I want to learn sports photography so I can get better seats at a sporting event.
Liquor prohibition led to the rise of organized crime in America, and drug prohibition has led to the rise of the gang problems we have now.
The easiest diet is, you know, eat vegetables, eat fresh food. Just a really sensible healthy diet like you read about all the time.
I don’t care if my jokes are appropriate for a kid.
The Marines was a fresh start – that is why they shave your head. I wish they would let you change your name.
Hollywood people are filled with guilt: white guilt, liberal guilt, money guilt. They feel bad that they’re so rich, they feel they don’t work that much for all that money – and they don’t, for the amount of money they make.
The difference between Las Vegas and Atlantic City is the difference between getting conned by a beautiful call girl and getting mugged by a crack head.
Eating crappy food isn’t a reward – it’s a punishment.
There’s a game called Checkout where there’s grocery items and it’s how much you think the manufacturer’s suggested retail price is and we add up your total, then your total has to be within $2 of the regular total. I don’t think I could ever win that game.
I’ve always got stuff in my head in case I meet somebody like Steven Spielberg or someone like that, where I can hopefully say something to them that nobody else has ever said and get a laugh out of them.
If you’re wearing a Bluetooth thing and you’ve got that thing on your belt, you are working for somebody else. You are not the guy in charge. That’s a really good social status indicator.
I wanted to do a show based on what my life would be like if I had never become a comedian.
I’d buy joke books and try doing them at school; I always had jokes. That would be my go-to thing at parties: I’d be able to get through them if I just told enough jokes. Otherwise, I wouldn’t end up talking to anybody.
That’s the great thing about having your friends around you. I’ve known these guys forever. I really enjoy their company just as people. You couldn’t ask for a better work environment.
Like I said, all comedy is based on exaggeration, big or small, whatever you can get away with.
I don’t miss the economic insecurity, the living paycheck to paycheck.