The Chinese mom is not the helicopter mom. I would never do their homework for them. It’s all about: Take responsibility, don’t blame others. Be self-reliant. Never blame the teacher.
Both of my girls have very high self-esteem because they were both able to master certain things; I should think that’s good for their confidence.
To be honest, I know that a lot of Asian parents are secretly shocked and horrified by many aspects of Western parenting.
I sort of feel like people are not that honest about their own parenting. Take any teenage household; tell me there is not yelling and conflict.
Don’t assume your child is weak. If you, the parent, assume that they can’t take anymore, what kind of signal are you sending them?
I do think that maybe, even subconsciously, a lot of parents in the West are wondering, have we gone too far in the direction of coddling and protecting – you know, you see kids, sometimes that seem very rude and disrespectful. And the more important thing is they don’t seem that happy.
Real self-esteem has to be earned. I also believe in virtuous circles, like, nothing is fun until you are good at it. It is great if you can instill in children the ability to not give up, to have a work ethic.
Kids raised to be pampered and spoiled don’t really end up being good leaders. Leaders need to be independent minded and confident.
The Romans thought of themselves as the chosen people, yet they built the greatest army on Earth by recruiting warriors from any background.
When my kids wanted to give up on things, I wouldn’t let them, and those are lifelong lessons.
Happiness is not always through success. Equally, the constant pursuit of success is sure unhappiness. But we have to find the balance. My own thoughts are that parenting is very personal. And we all feel enormous insecurity about parenting. What are they going to think of us 20 years down the line?
Tiger parenting is all about raising independent, creative, courageous kids. In America today, there’s a dangerous tendency to romanticize creativity in a way that may undermine it.
The Chinese model calls for giving your kids very little choice – and I’ve come to see that you can go too far with that. On the other hand, I also believe that Western parents sometimes give their young kids too much choice.
Some parents let their kids sleep at other people’s houses, where they drink alcohol, watch TV for hours and God knows what else. But if you say you have to get all A’s and practice the violin for two hours, then they consider that abusive. That upsets me.
Once you get to the Enlightenment, the way that powers get to be hyperpowers isn’t just by conquest. It’s through commerce and innovation. Societies like the Dutch Republic and the United States used tolerance to become a magnet for enterprising immigrants.
I’m suggesting that, ironically, the secret to becoming a world ‘hyperpower’ is tolerance. If you look at history, you see great powers being very tolerant in their rise to global dominance.
I see my upbringing as a great success story. By disciplining me, my parents inculcated self-discipline. And by restricting my choices as a child, they gave me so many choices in my life as an adult. Because of what they did then, I get to do the work I love now.
Oddly enough, I’m not a particularly judgmental person. I just don’t have a lot of filtering when I’m in ‘tiger mother’ mode. I say what comes into my head.
Chinese parents believe that their kids owe them everything.
Everything I’ve ever done that’s valuable is something I was afraid to try.